Playing With Fire.

Just admit it.

I should be stoned for neglecting my blog for this long. Maybe it's because I haven't had the need to post in a while. Maybe it's because I've been able to hide my depression and distract myself with good company and little bit of relaxation. Or maybe I have just been too damn lazy to come up with something substantial to talk about (like this?)

Nah.

It's Christmas Eve again. I can't even begin to grasp just how fast time has flown by me. I still remember me posting my last Christmas Eve message and what it was all about. How I had my heart broken and my mind twisted from all that shit in that year. How I had tried to turn it all into a good thing, because I learnt a new lesson. And how those memories will last me a while.

But this year I might want to talk about something slightly different. I will actually remember this year for being magical and just totally godsent. I never actually thought that this change in my life would arrive so soon, but I guess just like everything else, the things you want arrive at your doorstep the minute you stop thinking about it. And I was so close to letting it slip away from me.

I don't think I would actually be here where I am now if I hadn't cleaned up my act, and my life. If I hadn't made that single decision to exterminate those parasites from myself, I might have actually failed alot more people than I can imagine. And to this moment, I am so thankful I managed to make that decision. I am so thankful I decided to actually put some effort into my work, to focus on what is important, and to never neglect those always there for me.

And here I am now. Posting miles away from where I used to be. Living my life in a new city, a new environment, and a new atmosphere. Turning my dream into a reality.

I thank God for it so much.

XXX

But I have a knack for spoiling good moments. I was born to whine, people, so leave me be. I try not to be blunt about things, but I sometimes just can't help myself. I won't say who I am talking about, but it shouldn't matter to the story.

I read on a blog that this girl, living somewhere very near to where I am from is getting married to this (apparently) sweet and not-so-bad-looking foreigner who loves her to death. Well and good. Bless them and their future together. But I just can't understand the attraction. No offence intended, but she has one of the most terrible accents and just general language issues imaginable. Her eye and hair colour isn't even real and she hasn't got a pretty face and if the way she blogs is anything to go by about her personality, she seems somewhat caustic.

But why? Why the attraction? I still don't understand it. Post after post, conversation after conversation, argument after argument - and I still haven't found an answer. I want to be attractive, I want to be desirable, but there is something about me that seems to just turn people off.

And yeah, I have body issues and face issues and general appearance issues and personality issues and height issues and speech issues and just-about-anything issues, and I don't give a fuck when you tell me to stop talking about it. Just because you say stop talking about it and questioning it doesn't mean it's just going to disappear. This whole self-esteem situation has to come from somewhere.

Oh, I don't know - maybe I was spoilt rotten as a child, maybe it was the bullying in primary school, maybe it was the building myself back up from it in high school, maybe it was the whole situation a year ago. Maybe it was just the plain old fact that I haven't actually had a proper relationship before.

You tell me that it's not all that it is hyped up to be, while you're in one with no intentions of leaving it. And even if you did leave it, you wouldn't mind the next one that came along now would you? And how on earth can you tell me that a relationship isn't that fantastic? Come on, are you fucking telling me that there are people out there who actually dream of NOT being in a relationship? That there are people out there with no intentions of meeting someone and growing old together?

That people actually sign up to die alone surrounded by your 47 cats?

Exactly. Which is why that argument is shit.

I honestly don't know where I am going with this post. I should have stopped ages ago when I was talking about how I worked my ass off to live here and almost before I started talking about that girl who is going to get married (honestly, bless her because I am genuinely happy for her) and live happily ever after. But I decided to continue and mash two completely separate ideas and emotions into one skanky post.

Maybe it's because it's 2.26AM and my battery is just about 34% charged.

And I need you to answer me.

Cheers.

Evolver.

Because I'm not feeling this.

I had to refresh my blog twice just to make sure I wasn't accidentally clicking on some post from the archives because I cannot believe it's been that long since I have posted anything. It's like putting your diary away under your bed for so long, that you have to blow away the cobwebs from it when you finally open it again.

Some people can live without blogging for a while, and I can understand that. Your blog is just your way of telling the world you are still alive, or bragging about your sexcapades, or making sure your readers understand how much money you have, or beauty, or how some people just adore you.

Very few people use it as an escape. As a break from reality. As a time away from your problems. As your companion in solitude.

And some of us just like to talk to things that aren't really there.

I should have posted just before getting the train home, but I was never really sure when that would be, even as I was boarding it. And now I am here, three months down the line, looking back at the time that was.

Throughout the term, I never thought I would miss anybody or anything like I do. I miss the people that let me trust them, and those who I can rely on to keep me happy. I miss the things I do on a lazy Tuesday (Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) and the places I go to, to keep myself busy. I miss this new part of life that I have received, and the excitement my new home has given me.

And despite all this, there is still a sadness. An emptiness. A void within my depths I am desperate to fill. I then question myself, what is this urge, this necessity to fill this hole? Why can't it be filled with just about anything? Why I can't I leave it be? Why is it there in the first place?

Answers. So many of them, and not one that completely satisfies me. I thank those who have attempted to give me a plausible solution, but none of them fit the puzzle perfectly. They are always either too weak, too broad, or just too silly. And 9 out of 10 times I have been misunderstood as needy and quite literally, pathetic, however tactful you all may like to be.

And then there is the other question? Are my insecurities secretly stopping me from achieving what I need? Are all these questions holding me back? Will this all disappear only after external validation?

Do I need someone else to prove to me that I am better than myself?

Well, perhaps. Perhaps I do care what other people think. Perhaps I do like to ask myself a million idiot questions before I can figure out which direction I should head in. Perhaps I am driving myself mental because of the very people I am trying to impress.

But then again, who bloody doesn't? Who doesn't ask for external validation? Who doesn't need someone to tell them that they can be who they want to be? Who doesn't need any sort of motivation to keep themselves confident? Unless you're totally cocky and so bloody up your own ass, you would be inhuman if you don't.

And that is who I am. No one's personality is absolute and neither is their well being. How I feel about people is relative. I compare myself. I want to know what she has that I don't, and vice versa. I want to know what I need to do to be better than myself. I want to know what makes you want me.

And then the problem will be settled. I'll do it. I'll change. I'll morph into something different to achieve happiness.

And if that fails on me, the world shall drink to failure.

Cheers.