Resolutions. And The Countdown Begins.

So as the year draws to a close - at this point in 49 minutes - I guess it's time to get the resolutions out of the way. Yes, the ones we succeed in making, but fail in keeping.

An entire year has gone by before my eyes and I can't stop commenting how much so. We've had ups and downs throughout : turmoil in politics, economies (the worst yet), minds, hearts and lives. And a little closer to home, we've been on relationship, friendship and family roller coaster rides, where excitement overwhelmed us at the top, and vomit drowned us below.

I need to say this before I forget. We are ever - changing, ever - evolving. Our teenage years are the most crucial in our lives - the most exciting, and also one of the hardest. We figure out who we are, why we are that way, and try to solve mysteries far beyond our grasp. We learn from bitter relationships when they get broken, we make friends too fast and break them when they fail.

Basically what I am saying is, everything is evolving. When we are in an unhealthy relationship, we should know when to leave it. Similarly, if we are in a failed friendship - at the breaking point when the two just don't get along - it's time to give up and both parties have to accept it. And in the case of family, they are the only people who are going to be there when everything falls apart. You can never really hate them.

Where was I? Right, Resolutions.

1. Friendships - We will make and break them. We will never know if we'll be friends forever until the last moment.

2. Relationships - I have mentioned this in the previous post. But as always, leave it when you know all it's making you do is think HARD about it, and hurt badly. No relationship should have to be so hard.

3. Family - Stick around for them. They'll always be there until the end.

And finally, by the time you read this ...

Happy New Year, readers.

Thanks for reading my blog, and Cheers to another great year. What was it that Shakespeare said again? Your beauty encapsulated ... lines of sonnet ... forever as man can read/see ...

Ah well. I was never good at things written by dead people.

Simply speaking : As long as I am talking, the blog will keep on walking.

And that's going to be pretty long.

-Cheers-

As The New Year Enters, We Diet On Dreams.

It's about two days away.

I've been through it sixteen times. You would think it would be almost predictable to me by now. All over the world gleaming LED balls of crystal are dropped down to the ground, confetti is sprinkled across cities, and fireworks become the evening entertainment.

And yet every year, it completely bedazzles me. Perhaps it's because the fireworks look like a billion stars, and at that moment I am just completely lost in ecstasy.

And I count down the years I have left until I am legal (which I am still doing.)

But somehow, this New Year is going to mean something more to me than orgasmic stars in the sky and countdowns.

It is a year totally based on dreams.

There is one side : where I am able to leave the first part of my life here, and enter a new passage to the beginnning of the rest of my future. I am going to leave homebase and make a person out of me (finally, argh) and push myself to the extent of my potential - and most definitely make all my dreams a reality. Every single one of them :

Cashier, librarian, pilot, drummer, guitarist, singer, dancer, actress, model, photographer, fashion designer, banker, economist, lawyer, doctor, life -saver, path - changer, crowd - gatherer, show -stopper, tension - bearer, future - predicter, befriender, lover, mother, caretaker, nurturer, pain - bearer, emotion - controller ...

Gosh, that's alot of shoes to fill.

And then there is the other side : I could completely fail everything I am hoping for and have my glass dreams shatter into a billion pieces onto me. Which, being as pessimistic as I can be, may happen.

I am pushing myself to the boundaries. It seems like it's happened before, and then again. Maybe the time lapse of an entire year makes it seem like it hasn't. But this time, my entire future lies on this exam. No grade, no future.

While dealing with this enigma I have set upon myself, among other things such as the meaning of life, I have got to try my hardest and make the best of the time and brain matter left. All I have now is the opportunity to try my best with the good side of my dreams pushing me ahead. The outcome of all of this - is up to higher powers.

And that's how I'll ring in the New Year : Something powerful to destroy my anxieties, turn them into motivational instincts and help me sail to success on a bed of clouds.

Sounds like alcohol, don't you think?

-No comment-

I Forgot I Was Not Finished.

I forgot. As usual.

I was harmlessly brinning for Basshunter. Harmless. Completely innocent. Just looking for porno videos of the only husband that makes me laugh my ass off - and has various sex fetishes. But that's another story for another day.

Anyway.

Harmlessly searching for his nude pictures, I stumbled onto a blog of someone in my college, who happened to own a real awesome SLR. So I go OK - let's see this chick's pictures. And I am harmlessly scrolling along the page, when my heart stops.

I see someone I hadn't seen in a bloody long time.

Uhuh, the evasive Sheep.

And literally, my heart stopped. STOPPED. Crashed and burned. BUT WAIT! Please don't start whacking your heads on the ground saying 'OMFG, she's gone back to him now ...'. Not yet at least.

Kidding.

I really felt something go straight through. My breathing quickened. My pulse was sky-high. It was hyperventilation leading onto brain damage. And it was at this point I realised why.

I had forgotten that I was not done with the whole ordeal. I still had 2 more steps left, or at least I think so. The first, looking at him for the first time after a long period. And the second, well, to see him in person (then whack a metal bar into his groin and shove it where the Sun does not frequent.)

And I had just checked this step without preparing for it. I guess it was about time. And you know what, I took it like medication - horrible at first taste, but once you keep taking it, it doesn't taste so bad anymore. And then you start to notice that it actually does have a sweet tinge to it.

In this case, Sheep looks mighty fine. No doubts why I fell for him in the first place.

DAY-UM.

But anyway, he should come with a warning. Might I suggest ... ?

WARNING : I'M AN ASSHOLE. AND I KISS FOR FUN.

That should be quite appropriate.

Oh well, one down, one more to go.

One more bitter pill to go.

- No comment -

*People, I'm not going back to Sheep. Don't freak out. Even if he starts to look like Basshunter.

... which might be a torture, actually. But he never could. Right?

Merry Christmas.

Let this one day make you happy.

It seems like it was just last week I had finished high school. Totally free from the pressures of cramming and suffering the consequences of my procrastination. Imagine that - I had an entire month to muck about. I went shopping, I went cam-whoring, I spent time with my best friends and made memories that would last a lifetime.

This year we were all introduced a different life, and a different set of rules and a whole new playing field. Granted that some of us were in another country, but we all faced this new challenge in front of us. No manual, no guide - we just plunged right into its depths, hoping to come out of it with some lessons learnt.

And I must admit that there were so many new things I was exposed to. A higher level of difficulty had been applied to everything -mentally, physically, and emotionally (no doubt.)

At first, I was completely nervous about the whole new encounter. I could not wait to get out of the situation, literally counting down the 18 months of the whole ordeal. And then it got better. I made new friends, and saw that we all felt the same way. You know, it doesn't seem so bad when everyone is heading the same way you are, eventhough the path is narrow and dangerous.

At one point, I made some REALLY NEW friends. Foreign friends. From a different side of the world. And at the time, it seemed exciting, interesting and mostly intriguing. I had never known people from any other country from my own, and it helped that they were especially good-looking.

I thought I had discovered jackpot.

And then I got deeper. Drawn into this whirlpool of ecstasy, hoping to catch that bag of gold at the bottom of it. I began spending more and more time with them, and soon they became one of my top priorities. I was introduced to all those I had admired from afar for a long time and we became fast friends. My confidence had never been stronger; I was on a first-name basis with the ones everyone else at college wanted to meet.

Which now brings me to my biggest mistake of all.

He is my biggest regret. And I hope I never have to regret anything bigger than this in the future. It was that one day I had seen him sitting down all by himself, waiting for someone to talk to him - that led me onto one of the scariest roller coasters of my entire life. Why? Because sometime during this ride, I had morphed into something I did recognise. A monster. A complete beast. Someone, that if I had seen in others, would have been utterly disgusted by.

I was waiting, I was wanting. All the drugs in the world could not measure up to the addiction I was suffering. It was a nightmare I could not wake up from.

It's like those movies, where everyone is having so much fun at a party - free-flowing drugs and booze - and at one point, the crowd sort of separates into couples (some of three or four even) and clothes begin flying everywhere. And caught in this mess is this young girl who suddenly finds herself amidst the chaos (and through the crack and vodka) and realises the shit that is going on. She grabs her clothes and hides in a corner, watching drunken creatures dance in a motion of pure insanity.

I was that girl. Except fully-clothed and clean of vices.

Literally, I was swept deep into a mess. A mess of emotions, a chaos of lies, and worst of all - a blur between right and wrong. I knew he was bad, and yet I wanted him. I knew it would violate my principles, and yet it seemed fine. And I knew it would destroy me, and yet it was so right.

Until finally, I quit. I left everything behind. The 'friends', the stories, and the lies. I wanted to change. Return to my normal self and to the life I knew how to live. No longer did I have think about him every second of the time, no longer did I have to count the days we had not spoken, no longer did I have to make sure I saw him again, no longer did I spend time sieving through what was right and wrong; which were lies and which were truths.

I was free.

And so, what is the use of this post, I hear you scream out in frustration? I'm basically telling myself what I have learnt from my experiences, and what I shall carry with me in my heart to the next year.

I have learnt that ... no guy is worth sacrificing your well-being for. It's usually the ones who appear like angels, who are hell-sent. Also, no friend would lie through their teeth to you, to obtain some sort of advantage over you. Neither will they let you dart through danger just for their fun. Don't trust boys in gangs - especially the ones which are ethnically-based. They tend to join forces and hurt you, eventhough they appear to hate each other in front of you. And they don't really 'look' kind; they're just mentally-undressing you.

Finally, the ones who you can call friends, are the ones who are waiting for you right where you left them, eventhough they 'told you so'.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Happy New Year.

And here's to the start of another new adventure.

Cheers.

-No comment-

Another Depressing Post. Turn Away.

I am breaking.

Yeah well, aren't I always? I mean - is there one post where I am NOT talking about the pressures and the pains of living my life? Again, I apologise to the readers who would rather peruse through picture blogs about who I made out with and what I ate - before and after pictures.

So let's get started then. My sombreness is fading into the deep pit at the back of my head - and I need to leave a bit of it on this blog before it seeps in too much.

The other night I cried. I don't usually cry for reasons other than family (I'm quite emotional when it comes to them) but this time it was something that may not even cross your mind. Something that you may take for granted and not regard as an excuse to shed tears over. But throughout the whole weekend, my brain literally sizzled with fear. I had tossed all my books on the floor because :

One, the words on them seemed to swirl in my head and launch itself out the same way it went in.

Two, well ... rather than tearing my scalp out.

And now, why? Because I am completely, infinitely, ultimately, and supremely worried.

About my future.

And I don't mean what will I be when I grow up sort - of future ... I mean the near future, as in how will I do in the coming year future. And I am so convinced that I am going to fail something vicious, and consequently my whole life will be ruined. No good grades, no further education, no job, no emigrating ...

NO LIFE.

There. I have come to the conclusion that my whole life ahead of me relies on my grades. It also helps that nothing so far has given me the confidence or any aorta of hope that there is some chance I might succeed. I am trying my hardest (I think) to prepare myself for a sweet success, but somehow while I am memorising these useless lines sprawled on the open page - mind totally absent - I realise that I might need a miracle to get me through this.

Is this just a phase I'm going through? Perhaps just the stress of these past weeks bearing down on me, conjuring up vivid hallucinations to make me feel just a little worse? Or maybe it's my usual paranoia in overdrive?

I have no idea.

But I do know one thing. I am worried beyond my wits. I am so worried that I force myself to sleep off the stress, just so the pains from it will go away. I am so worried that my mind translates everything I read into 'Failure.'

I am so worried that I give the word 'stress' a new meaning. Perpetual eyebags and body aches - HAH. Try this drug I'm on.

So, is this what you want, Fates? Is this what you want to hear from every cell in my aching throat? Is this what you want to see from every tear I shed to make the pain disappear for just a little while? Is this what you want me to feel from every pore of my skin, screaming for this insanity to end?

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, FATES??

IS IT?

Is this the only way I can show you how much I want to succeed ...

-No comment-

*All those reading this post with a mouth full of insults and a mind full of skepticism, please turn away. I have no reason for you to tell me what will happen, neither have I a heart ready to hear you curse me for my ingratitude.

We're Redefining Friendships.

It's worth a thought.

Recent events have made me realise something. I need to completely redefine and revalue what I expect, what I want, and what I need from a friendship. It's not enough to think that everything is well and good, or that one's too convenient to drop. A word of warning : This is going to be one of those draggy and philosophical type of posts, so switch screens before it's too late.

Here goes.

I've had a pretty emotional past, as you guys know by now. I've won some, I've lost some, I've dropped some and I've picked some. And others, I didn't even know why they were there. Yes, I think it's safe to say it's been pretty much a roller coaster ride regarding friendships. But I'm not eight anymore. I can't deal with backstabbers by Niagara Falls anymore, I can't seek revenge with obscene slurs, and neither can I laugh at them when they happen to trip over themselves in public. We're growing up, maturing, evolving - and so should my priorities.

I need to know now what I expect from a friend. Previously, trust had been such an important aspect of being a friend to me. If they betrayed me with the snap of a finger, then I'd drop them. But at this point, I am moving on. I no longer need someone to maintain the confidentiality of my secrets because it really doesn't matter if anyone hears of them. They're not important anyway. And I'm learning to keep things to myself (yes, I have trust issue with myself as well.)

And is it important that friends keep to deadlines and meetings? They can bail out and cancel as often as they want, and I don't think it should mean very much to me. After all, I'm bound to make and break appointments if I need to.

Do my friends need to keep in touch? Well, it's quite important that they do, but after all, they come and go. If they feel the need to know what's been happening with me, they would. Otherwise, I have to make the decision to let them go.

Do my friends need to overlook the bad and embrace the good? No, not really. There's only so much one can tolerate.

Do my friends need to trust me? Hey, I'm not perfect. There might be times that I might have to betray them, for some reason or other. Although I really could not bring myself to doing so, because I have been the victim of this whole game in the first place.

Do I need to trust my friends? Well ... that all depends on the individual. Has that person ever breached the level of confidentiality that I need?

And I have just realised something.

All I need is someone who is there for me when I feel like exploding. Someone who is there for me to listen to every mindless blurt I may have, at any hour. Someone who understands me inside and out and who doesn't need me to make allowances for things they can't handle. Someone who knows exactly when to be immature and when to be serious. Someone who never really gets anyone else's sarcasm but mine. Someone I can rely on to be there when and where we've agreed. Someone who knows exactly what I'll do or say next. Someone who can take my criticism, and give it right back, knowing that I understand completely. Someone who doesn't mind the way I am, and would hate if I changed.

Someone I'll remember forever.

I am looking for someone that doesn't exist. There is no such thing as a perfect friend. There is no one out there who fits the requirements as stated above. I can only hang on to the ones I have right now, and learn to trust them a little bit.

It's time I let out the past, and let my friends in.

-No comment-

*However, I am not letting out my past entirely. I'm sure I'm going to remember it for a long while and in no way is this going to make me any less capable of make and maintaining friendships in the future. I'd rather keep in mind the possibilities, than to have it all happen to me again and again and again. People are not going to walk over me.

And in no way is this a grudge. A grudge is when you keep it in mind to plan revenge in the future. I don't see the point of revenge; it's just bad energy. But I do see the point of foreseeing the future, and wanting out before it goes too far.

I Will Enjoy This One.

Now this is what I'm talking about when I mean tags. This is the mother of all tags.

The Hot Guys Tag starts now. In no particular order.

Disclaimer : Any hot male body left out of this post is by pure accident. And don't worry, you still give me the tingles at night. And the heat.

Gabe Saporta
(the only husband to last this long)
The lead singer of Cobra Starship.

Gaspard Ulliel (Gasp - hard!)
Gorgeous French actor who has a knack for psychopathic roles.

Jean Sarkozy
Son of French President, who did not get his height from his father.

Andrea Casiraghi
Monaco royalty.

Pierre Casiraghi
Andrea's brother, said to be the more vivacious of the two.

Christian Siriano

(He is too adorable to be left out!)
Winner of Season 4 Project Runway, and the cutest fashion designer to date (Yes, I mean both ways.)

Daniel Vosovic
Runner-up of Project Runway Season 3

Dmitri Lekkos
An Elite Model

Johnny Whitworth
Acted in Pathology

Ryan Burns
A Storm Model

Cam Gigandet
Beautiful actor (It says Godspeed. It's for me, you know.)

Basshunter
Excellent DJ (among other things.)

Arthur Okoun
L.A. Models
(Sorry, the picture is huge.)

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg75fA93fl54bAJ2p1_-fS-lsdG7RuGDXCeLMvzlVQIMID8L3D-CsPvxK3KZWQTvzhJ6zCaKRAv1rtouIKHGx7ayIg1cHXjs4qnESU_HY5NPGXTqHyl1woBlNQQNil7d9l28iNDTdI6eco/s1600-h/honey.jpg


And my favourite picture of him:

James Twilight
We're getting married soon.

- (Absolutely) No comment -

I'm So Sorry.

I'm a selfish bitch. And a first - class hypocrite.

This whole blog, whether I admit or not, is dedicated to my sorrows. And I force you guys to read this because ... 'you will know the true bitter me.' I have nearly no pictures up, the colours are drab and gauche, and it's really annoying that I don't use short forms.

Also, I bitch about everything. I bitch about my past, present and future. And I blame every problem and issue I have right now on it.

The fact of the matter is I am too fucking lazy to change. I am too lazy to bend down and pick up the pieces, paste them together and move along. I've basically left them on the ground where it had fallen, and have no intention in the near future to move them. I'll just sit in my pool of sorrows and wait for them to somehow consume me.

It would have been fine if it was just me in these murky waters. But I've taken along others with me. And I feel especially terrible about this because there are some people who want to have something to do with me, eventhough I profess that nobody loves me, everybody hates me. I go on about how unwanted I am, and in the process drag my friends down with me to drink in this pool.

So right now, I am just going to say that I am sorry. I am sorry that I am full of woe (Wednesday babies are full of woe, did you know?) and I am sorry I am hating the world because I think it hates me. What happened to me were just bad experiences. But I've got to get out of this shit, and behave myself. And stop making excuses for my behaviour.

I am so sorry.

I love you all, for every little thing you've done for me - no matter how small and no matter how crazy.

-No comment-

Rehab Is Now Just A Song.

It's like I checked into rehab

Cos baby, you're my disease.

One of Rihanna's singles of her new album Good Girl Gone Bad is the song Rehab. No, this time it's not a highly - nasal, crack - inspired, 60's - type serenade from a girl to her father about how she can't live without her vices. This time, it's about that less-obvious drug we tend to live on (but not necessarily admit) : love.

The song itself has really awesome lyrics, with a sort of violin/guitar - like beginning, and a tambourine beat throughout it. Rihanna's voice - however digitally manipulated - turns it into something a little more than a passing number one track. The whole vibe of the song is sort of reminiscent of a bad past, and also full of intense regret. And also how at the time everything the guy to her, or for her - seemed just.

Sound familiar?

Yes, this is the song that got me over certain 'people'. And thank goodness this song ever came out, because until today, this is the only song I can fully relate to. At least 90%. And it helped me so much - thinking about the past as much as I could, so in the end the more I thought of it, the less sour it tasted. And singing it out loud made my head just a little lighter.

But right now, I have good news. This song had previously been tagged to bitter memories. But now, it's just a song. It's just a great song.

In fact, I did go to Rehab. I got rid of my disease.

And now in true celebrity fashion, I walk out, head held high, with paparazzi clinging to my heels trying their best to snap a picture of my underwear, or perhaps its absence.

Speaking of whom - go listen to Circus. Awesome song!

-No comment-

This Week's Orgasmic Men.

I shall start naming the top three orgasmic men of the week - as selected by yours truly.

Now now, from least orgasmic to most orgasmic:

3rd Place : I love Josh Farro.

And watch this : http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=RvnkAtWcKYg

I guarantee you will touch yourself. Also in the video, between 3.03 - 3.06, I have never seen a cuter butt.

2nd Place : I love Eddie Cahill more.

If you have seen bluer eyes, then get off my blog!

You don't need to solve my case baby, because I'm already guilty of loving you.

(Sorry. I'm too in love to stop the corniness.)

1st Place : I love Cam Gigandet most. Now married to me, ladies. Too bad, too sad.

How can you not love this man? Vampire. Whatever.

-Dies-

You know what's better than a biker jacket and ripped jeans?

James in a biker jacket and ripped jeans.

Oh thank god I married you.

I want to eat something off those arms.

And because the goddamn photo won't load :

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh77xbYg5tpV4xkU7X28KddLxoiAUM708oWVgss2fNKYCdWiTUDtULLCjgcrbOWllwDdOiNFbczGCpjrHmix48zx0Pi-ZZFugg8vpqeSzJTfEy_vlwqNtQiJKMrfbstYVrQSyJIxIzqus0/s1600-h/Cam+Gigandet+%2819%29.jpg

Yes girls, it's time to have a fun night.

And boys, it's OK to be gay. You make good best friends.

-No comment-

Taming The Beast.

I've discovered yet another flaw in my personality.

I act, I sing, I dance, I prance, I sit on the floor, I laugh histerically, I make up new words, I laugh about that too, I make up songs to go with my dancing, I push, I shove, I trip and tumble, and laugh again ...

And it gains me nothing.

I thought that maybe, if I am good at anything, I am good at putting a smile on people's faces. I thought that throughout the mess in my life, I could actually do something well - making people laugh in the toughest of times. I could make a complete fool of myself and know that something good will come out of it - that everyone around me will appreciate me for something.

Maybe all I was doing was making a complete fool of myself.

And then I realised. Hah. Anyone can make anybody laugh. It's not that hard, you know. Anyone can sit on the floor and laugh hysterically, anyone can sing and dance and make silly jokes about themselves. Anyone can put a smile on anybody elses' faces.

So what does that make me? Temporary entertainment. A for-that-moment kind of person. And once that moment has passed, I leave no imprint in your mind. Like something that washes over you, but doesn't exactly enter you.

Simply putting it, I am my internet connection.

I can't connect.

That's just it. And that is why I'm the one left out of deep intimate secrets. That's why it takes a really long time for people to be able to tell me things, and discuss their lives with me. That's why I am the girl everyone laughs at when they're bored with sharing their stories.

And you know what? I'm sick of this. I am sick of everyone's perception of me being the person who does not know what's right and wrong. I am sick of being the person people think that does not have a clue about relationships, in spite of me not having an official one. I am sick of people thinking that I don't understand their problems or thoughts or opinions on love. I am sick of people assuming that I won't 'get it'. I am sick of people thinking that I haven't been through shit.

Tell you what. I'm going to prove to you right here, right now that I do know what the fuck is going on.


I have been through three relationships (start to finish), not of my own, but of my friends - patching up their holes and problems, and making sure everyone ends up OK.
I have been through a painful unofficial one of my own, and had nearly no help with it.
I have been lied to by people I trusted, and by the person I had feelings for.
I have been backstabbed by someone else I trusted, who had feelings for me.
I have been left to fix my problems as they come.
I was a kiss that crossed me of a list.
I was mistreated, and taken advantage of - physically and emotionally.
I have cried over the problems of my best friends, because it hurt ME so fucking bad.
I have sat in a cloud of confusion because I had no fucking idea what was going on.
I have had to come out of this disaster, picking up the pieces.


And it all happened in the course of six months.


Yeah, it's a wonder that I haven't turned into a social reject by now. But all I am asking for you to have a clearer perception of me and not to judge me as the airhead with nothing better to do than to laugh to herself day in day out.


Sometimes, still waters aren't the only ones that run deep.



-No comment-

Trusting, Not Trusted.

I try.

My previous sob-story probably seems to all of you like a 'nobody loves me, everybody hates me' issue but I really can't help that I had to go through something like that; and if I could, I wouldn't have. Sorry that I was tortured. I won't do it again.

I really try my best to prove to the friends that I have now in any way possible, that I'm worth it. I'm worth their time, their laughter, their tears, their money, their company, their love, their care. I make every effort to convince them, or at least make them believe that they can keep me for a little while longer. They should understand by now it's really hard for me to maintain a friend, or to believe I'm able to. And I would do ANYTHING to make the friends I have now last for me.

But maybe I just trust them too much. Isn't this what got me into this mess in the first place? I tell my friends everything. But maybe it's because I am trying to gain their trust by exchanging valuable information, a silent blackmail per se.

And I know for a fact that I am not trusted enough. I don't remember what it feels like really to be trusted, really. I give up on everything so easily because perhaps I don't have anything to hold onto. Friends exchange information between themselves, and in the end I seem to be the only one left out of this game. It's not the secret that matters to me - that's not going to make me sleep better at the end of the day. What is though, is the act of you guys being able to tell me in the first place.

Maybe it's the face, the face of someone who can easily spread rumours like wildfire. Or maybe it's just the way I deal with secrets : I appear to take them lightly, but I do keep them guarded inside. Yet, when it starts to spread, everyone looks at me.

Basically, what I am trying to get across is the fact that I never take into account how much people value me. And in that case, I may as well say that I don't think I am a friend at all. Don't get me wrong, you guys are precious to me. Solid gold. Not that I would sell you for money.

But I'm afraid I can't say the same about how you feel about me.

-No comment-

*If you don't want your secrets coming my way, don't pretend it is. Don't act as if I know exactly how you are inside and out and in actual fact I'm just playing with an image. If you don't want to distribute valuable information to me, then please turn a deaf ear on mine. I'm sorry I value you enough to break it to you.

It Will Never Be The Same.

I'm depressed, really.

My story of friendship starts with me having none at all. I had friends who used to tag after me, waiting to join in on my next outburst of excitement; and others wanting to know what I was all about. And then I moved into a new environment of more mature females, who now understood the meaning of posession. In this case, being crayons.

Nevertheless I managed to get along with some really friendly ones, and nothing else in the world seemed more perfect. I finally knew what 'best friend' meant.

Or did I. Because it was after this period in my life, that I would learn that no one is really ever selflessly nice to you; they're good to you because you're useful. And best friends never existed, and never will. And that from that point on, back-stabbing is the new and only name of the game.

I was let down by my 'best friends' and thrown into a pit of hungry lions, waiting to tear me alive, by picking at every one of my disadvantages. And it may seem pretty trivial at this point, but imagine having all your friends by your side one minute, and then they leave you the very next. I did not ask for my disadvantages - it was merely handed to me and I just didn't say no. My every move was criticised and I had no one to bitch about them to. I cried on the way home, and I cried on the way back to school.

I survived that; but my pride had taken a serious beating. No longer was I confident talking to people, no longer did I shine with the same light I had when I was younger. I was totally convinced that no one would want to be my friend. I used to fear being in people's company, because I would rather spare them the torture. I also think that people will never be able to trust me again with anything. I am afraid that when the time comes, I'd be dropped like a hot iron. And when people 'befriend' me, I thought it was really just a pathetic show to entertain them in the meantime.

And you know what?

It's all still true.

It's funny - that people can see me behave without a care in the world, and think I take things lightly and laugh at myself when I'm embarassed and just make jokes about everything.

But you have no idea, just how much that image has just fooled you.

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