Taming The Beast.

I've discovered yet another flaw in my personality.

I act, I sing, I dance, I prance, I sit on the floor, I laugh histerically, I make up new words, I laugh about that too, I make up songs to go with my dancing, I push, I shove, I trip and tumble, and laugh again ...

And it gains me nothing.

I thought that maybe, if I am good at anything, I am good at putting a smile on people's faces. I thought that throughout the mess in my life, I could actually do something well - making people laugh in the toughest of times. I could make a complete fool of myself and know that something good will come out of it - that everyone around me will appreciate me for something.

Maybe all I was doing was making a complete fool of myself.

And then I realised. Hah. Anyone can make anybody laugh. It's not that hard, you know. Anyone can sit on the floor and laugh hysterically, anyone can sing and dance and make silly jokes about themselves. Anyone can put a smile on anybody elses' faces.

So what does that make me? Temporary entertainment. A for-that-moment kind of person. And once that moment has passed, I leave no imprint in your mind. Like something that washes over you, but doesn't exactly enter you.

Simply putting it, I am my internet connection.

I can't connect.

That's just it. And that is why I'm the one left out of deep intimate secrets. That's why it takes a really long time for people to be able to tell me things, and discuss their lives with me. That's why I am the girl everyone laughs at when they're bored with sharing their stories.

And you know what? I'm sick of this. I am sick of everyone's perception of me being the person who does not know what's right and wrong. I am sick of being the person people think that does not have a clue about relationships, in spite of me not having an official one. I am sick of people thinking that I don't understand their problems or thoughts or opinions on love. I am sick of people assuming that I won't 'get it'. I am sick of people thinking that I haven't been through shit.

Tell you what. I'm going to prove to you right here, right now that I do know what the fuck is going on.


I have been through three relationships (start to finish), not of my own, but of my friends - patching up their holes and problems, and making sure everyone ends up OK.
I have been through a painful unofficial one of my own, and had nearly no help with it.
I have been lied to by people I trusted, and by the person I had feelings for.
I have been backstabbed by someone else I trusted, who had feelings for me.
I have been left to fix my problems as they come.
I was a kiss that crossed me of a list.
I was mistreated, and taken advantage of - physically and emotionally.
I have cried over the problems of my best friends, because it hurt ME so fucking bad.
I have sat in a cloud of confusion because I had no fucking idea what was going on.
I have had to come out of this disaster, picking up the pieces.


And it all happened in the course of six months.


Yeah, it's a wonder that I haven't turned into a social reject by now. But all I am asking for you to have a clearer perception of me and not to judge me as the airhead with nothing better to do than to laugh to herself day in day out.


Sometimes, still waters aren't the only ones that run deep.



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