Trusting, Not Trusted.

I try.

My previous sob-story probably seems to all of you like a 'nobody loves me, everybody hates me' issue but I really can't help that I had to go through something like that; and if I could, I wouldn't have. Sorry that I was tortured. I won't do it again.

I really try my best to prove to the friends that I have now in any way possible, that I'm worth it. I'm worth their time, their laughter, their tears, their money, their company, their love, their care. I make every effort to convince them, or at least make them believe that they can keep me for a little while longer. They should understand by now it's really hard for me to maintain a friend, or to believe I'm able to. And I would do ANYTHING to make the friends I have now last for me.

But maybe I just trust them too much. Isn't this what got me into this mess in the first place? I tell my friends everything. But maybe it's because I am trying to gain their trust by exchanging valuable information, a silent blackmail per se.

And I know for a fact that I am not trusted enough. I don't remember what it feels like really to be trusted, really. I give up on everything so easily because perhaps I don't have anything to hold onto. Friends exchange information between themselves, and in the end I seem to be the only one left out of this game. It's not the secret that matters to me - that's not going to make me sleep better at the end of the day. What is though, is the act of you guys being able to tell me in the first place.

Maybe it's the face, the face of someone who can easily spread rumours like wildfire. Or maybe it's just the way I deal with secrets : I appear to take them lightly, but I do keep them guarded inside. Yet, when it starts to spread, everyone looks at me.

Basically, what I am trying to get across is the fact that I never take into account how much people value me. And in that case, I may as well say that I don't think I am a friend at all. Don't get me wrong, you guys are precious to me. Solid gold. Not that I would sell you for money.

But I'm afraid I can't say the same about how you feel about me.

-No comment-

*If you don't want your secrets coming my way, don't pretend it is. Don't act as if I know exactly how you are inside and out and in actual fact I'm just playing with an image. If you don't want to distribute valuable information to me, then please turn a deaf ear on mine. I'm sorry I value you enough to break it to you.