We're Redefining Friendships.

It's worth a thought.

Recent events have made me realise something. I need to completely redefine and revalue what I expect, what I want, and what I need from a friendship. It's not enough to think that everything is well and good, or that one's too convenient to drop. A word of warning : This is going to be one of those draggy and philosophical type of posts, so switch screens before it's too late.

Here goes.

I've had a pretty emotional past, as you guys know by now. I've won some, I've lost some, I've dropped some and I've picked some. And others, I didn't even know why they were there. Yes, I think it's safe to say it's been pretty much a roller coaster ride regarding friendships. But I'm not eight anymore. I can't deal with backstabbers by Niagara Falls anymore, I can't seek revenge with obscene slurs, and neither can I laugh at them when they happen to trip over themselves in public. We're growing up, maturing, evolving - and so should my priorities.

I need to know now what I expect from a friend. Previously, trust had been such an important aspect of being a friend to me. If they betrayed me with the snap of a finger, then I'd drop them. But at this point, I am moving on. I no longer need someone to maintain the confidentiality of my secrets because it really doesn't matter if anyone hears of them. They're not important anyway. And I'm learning to keep things to myself (yes, I have trust issue with myself as well.)

And is it important that friends keep to deadlines and meetings? They can bail out and cancel as often as they want, and I don't think it should mean very much to me. After all, I'm bound to make and break appointments if I need to.

Do my friends need to keep in touch? Well, it's quite important that they do, but after all, they come and go. If they feel the need to know what's been happening with me, they would. Otherwise, I have to make the decision to let them go.

Do my friends need to overlook the bad and embrace the good? No, not really. There's only so much one can tolerate.

Do my friends need to trust me? Hey, I'm not perfect. There might be times that I might have to betray them, for some reason or other. Although I really could not bring myself to doing so, because I have been the victim of this whole game in the first place.

Do I need to trust my friends? Well ... that all depends on the individual. Has that person ever breached the level of confidentiality that I need?

And I have just realised something.

All I need is someone who is there for me when I feel like exploding. Someone who is there for me to listen to every mindless blurt I may have, at any hour. Someone who understands me inside and out and who doesn't need me to make allowances for things they can't handle. Someone who knows exactly when to be immature and when to be serious. Someone who never really gets anyone else's sarcasm but mine. Someone I can rely on to be there when and where we've agreed. Someone who knows exactly what I'll do or say next. Someone who can take my criticism, and give it right back, knowing that I understand completely. Someone who doesn't mind the way I am, and would hate if I changed.

Someone I'll remember forever.

I am looking for someone that doesn't exist. There is no such thing as a perfect friend. There is no one out there who fits the requirements as stated above. I can only hang on to the ones I have right now, and learn to trust them a little bit.

It's time I let out the past, and let my friends in.

-No comment-

*However, I am not letting out my past entirely. I'm sure I'm going to remember it for a long while and in no way is this going to make me any less capable of make and maintaining friendships in the future. I'd rather keep in mind the possibilities, than to have it all happen to me again and again and again. People are not going to walk over me.

And in no way is this a grudge. A grudge is when you keep it in mind to plan revenge in the future. I don't see the point of revenge; it's just bad energy. But I do see the point of foreseeing the future, and wanting out before it goes too far.