Another Depressing Post. Turn Away.

I am breaking.

Yeah well, aren't I always? I mean - is there one post where I am NOT talking about the pressures and the pains of living my life? Again, I apologise to the readers who would rather peruse through picture blogs about who I made out with and what I ate - before and after pictures.

So let's get started then. My sombreness is fading into the deep pit at the back of my head - and I need to leave a bit of it on this blog before it seeps in too much.

The other night I cried. I don't usually cry for reasons other than family (I'm quite emotional when it comes to them) but this time it was something that may not even cross your mind. Something that you may take for granted and not regard as an excuse to shed tears over. But throughout the whole weekend, my brain literally sizzled with fear. I had tossed all my books on the floor because :

One, the words on them seemed to swirl in my head and launch itself out the same way it went in.

Two, well ... rather than tearing my scalp out.

And now, why? Because I am completely, infinitely, ultimately, and supremely worried.

About my future.

And I don't mean what will I be when I grow up sort - of future ... I mean the near future, as in how will I do in the coming year future. And I am so convinced that I am going to fail something vicious, and consequently my whole life will be ruined. No good grades, no further education, no job, no emigrating ...

NO LIFE.

There. I have come to the conclusion that my whole life ahead of me relies on my grades. It also helps that nothing so far has given me the confidence or any aorta of hope that there is some chance I might succeed. I am trying my hardest (I think) to prepare myself for a sweet success, but somehow while I am memorising these useless lines sprawled on the open page - mind totally absent - I realise that I might need a miracle to get me through this.

Is this just a phase I'm going through? Perhaps just the stress of these past weeks bearing down on me, conjuring up vivid hallucinations to make me feel just a little worse? Or maybe it's my usual paranoia in overdrive?

I have no idea.

But I do know one thing. I am worried beyond my wits. I am so worried that I force myself to sleep off the stress, just so the pains from it will go away. I am so worried that my mind translates everything I read into 'Failure.'

I am so worried that I give the word 'stress' a new meaning. Perpetual eyebags and body aches - HAH. Try this drug I'm on.

So, is this what you want, Fates? Is this what you want to hear from every cell in my aching throat? Is this what you want to see from every tear I shed to make the pain disappear for just a little while? Is this what you want me to feel from every pore of my skin, screaming for this insanity to end?

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, FATES??

IS IT?

Is this the only way I can show you how much I want to succeed ...

-No comment-

*All those reading this post with a mouth full of insults and a mind full of skepticism, please turn away. I have no reason for you to tell me what will happen, neither have I a heart ready to hear you curse me for my ingratitude.