Evolver.

Because I'm not feeling this.

I had to refresh my blog twice just to make sure I wasn't accidentally clicking on some post from the archives because I cannot believe it's been that long since I have posted anything. It's like putting your diary away under your bed for so long, that you have to blow away the cobwebs from it when you finally open it again.

Some people can live without blogging for a while, and I can understand that. Your blog is just your way of telling the world you are still alive, or bragging about your sexcapades, or making sure your readers understand how much money you have, or beauty, or how some people just adore you.

Very few people use it as an escape. As a break from reality. As a time away from your problems. As your companion in solitude.

And some of us just like to talk to things that aren't really there.

I should have posted just before getting the train home, but I was never really sure when that would be, even as I was boarding it. And now I am here, three months down the line, looking back at the time that was.

Throughout the term, I never thought I would miss anybody or anything like I do. I miss the people that let me trust them, and those who I can rely on to keep me happy. I miss the things I do on a lazy Tuesday (Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) and the places I go to, to keep myself busy. I miss this new part of life that I have received, and the excitement my new home has given me.

And despite all this, there is still a sadness. An emptiness. A void within my depths I am desperate to fill. I then question myself, what is this urge, this necessity to fill this hole? Why can't it be filled with just about anything? Why I can't I leave it be? Why is it there in the first place?

Answers. So many of them, and not one that completely satisfies me. I thank those who have attempted to give me a plausible solution, but none of them fit the puzzle perfectly. They are always either too weak, too broad, or just too silly. And 9 out of 10 times I have been misunderstood as needy and quite literally, pathetic, however tactful you all may like to be.

And then there is the other question? Are my insecurities secretly stopping me from achieving what I need? Are all these questions holding me back? Will this all disappear only after external validation?

Do I need someone else to prove to me that I am better than myself?

Well, perhaps. Perhaps I do care what other people think. Perhaps I do like to ask myself a million idiot questions before I can figure out which direction I should head in. Perhaps I am driving myself mental because of the very people I am trying to impress.

But then again, who bloody doesn't? Who doesn't ask for external validation? Who doesn't need someone to tell them that they can be who they want to be? Who doesn't need any sort of motivation to keep themselves confident? Unless you're totally cocky and so bloody up your own ass, you would be inhuman if you don't.

And that is who I am. No one's personality is absolute and neither is their well being. How I feel about people is relative. I compare myself. I want to know what she has that I don't, and vice versa. I want to know what I need to do to be better than myself. I want to know what makes you want me.

And then the problem will be settled. I'll do it. I'll change. I'll morph into something different to achieve happiness.

And if that fails on me, the world shall drink to failure.

Cheers.