You Never Know What You're Missing.

Until you have it back in your life.

My blog always comes second to a stockpile of homework with nearing deadlines. Personally, I can't be fucking bothered to do my work until I absolutely have to, because nothing comes second to my peace of mind. If I'm upset, nothing gets done. And when I'm happy, I blog about it.

Seriously, nothing really gets finished (or even started) until it mindfucks me beyond my strength.

Speaking of which. I have been happy lately. I have been getting happier ever since I made this big move in my life, and I am pretty pleased at myself.

Or not. It's a big fat lie.

I have merely been psyching myself into thinking that everything is getting better for me. I am trying to convince myself I have been getting total satisfaction from the friends I have now. They make me happy, yes, to an extent (and I am still plenty grateful for them.) But why do I wake up missing someone still every morning? I still yearn for someone to make me feel glad about where I am now, and truly appreciate it.

And you never really know how happy you can be until it happens to you. I don't usually document my daily events but this just has to be said.

Once he told me he was going to be in town for the weekend, I erased the rest of the week from my mind. Nothing else was going to be more important than his visit here. And it must have been god-sent because I remember waking up that very morning, missing him dearly. I guess this is what it means to be really close friends, and nothing more. And of course, a million and one things had to distract me from the excitement of my future meeting - including massive parties and birthday dinners with hot singles. But there was no way I was going to allow myself to not be there.

And it turned out to be greater than I thought it would be. The first thing I saw when I stepped off the train was the Ritz; and it was then I knew that I was going to enjoy myself immensely.

I had two things working hand in hand with each other, and one would not have worked without the other : the environment and the company. We walked for ages up and down Oxford Street, and this was where I fell in love. I saw Christmas lights and black cabs and shops and shops and shops. The biggest Foot Locker, the biggest Zara, the million H&Ms, the biggest Topshop, the biggest Debenhams. And it was the crowd of people. The intense of crowd of thousands out and about on a Friday night, walking past you in a mad frenzy, running in and out of shops carrying a ton of carrier bags, dining in expensive Italian joints, sipping Starbucks while they hail a London cab.

Any hint yet?

No?

For goodness' sakes, I saw a homeless man as I walked out of the tube station.

If you haven't gotten it by now, you should slap yourself for me.

It was the entirety of it. The rush of madness. The throng of people pushing past you. The throng of fashion-forward people pushing past you. The last-minute shopping frenzy. The people walking hand in hand. The people making out. The rush of traffic right next to you. Those hot Europeans out for a night on the town. My outfit I had taken ages to put together. My 5-inches that were killing my feet but had essentially made my outfit work. That Eggnog Latte in my hand. That swanky Italian restaurant we were going to eat at, with the most amazing tiramisu I have tasted in my life.

The high I felt was greater than anything manufactured in a lab, or in a back alley, could have given me.

And the company was fabtastic. I haven't had a proper conversation with anyone for a long time until last night. I'm talking - no emotional guards, no judgement, no miscommunication. And it was a brilliant exchange of thoughts. I felt so much comfort from being able to say anything I wanted and knowing that the person listening would understand it the right way.

And he sure knows where to take me to see the sights.

When the evening was over, I just wanted it all back. I wanted to go back there to the same place and relive the whole thing. But in a kick back into reality, I realised that I can have so much more than what I have now. I can feel so much happier than I am now. There is so much more from me than what has been given to me now.

And no one should dare tell me not to dream big. Just because you're a loser doesn't mean I have to go down with you. I am going to dream as big as I want to, and one way or another I am going to make it. I will make sure of it.

Thanks for coming here to meet me; I needed it.

And we all know where I'll be doing my Christmas shopping.

Cheers.