The workload is still as heavy as it can be, and most of the reason is because I only work hard once I've procrastinated and the other part being that I feel the need to blog so much.
They don't realise why I need this blog. And they don't realise what my blog means to me.
I don't talk about what I did today, I don't talk about which friend binge-drank and puked herself silly. I don't talk about how I made my own dinner last night. I don't talk about which expensive restaurant I went to with mummy. I don't talk about mummy. Heck, I don't even talk about my friends. I don't talk about happy things. I don't talk about people that make me happy. I don't talk about anything pretty or peachy.
What's the goddamn point if none of that means anything to me?
I just realised something. I am in a constant process of analysis. Everything you do, and everything you say. Everything I do, everything I say. Everything that happens around us. I immediately take it in and process it into something that should not be.
Thoughts.
And because of this, it sits in my head as a thought. Waiting to be used. Waiting to be worried about. Waiting to be reprocessed into memories.
So multiply that one thought by a million and watch my brain explode.
But I can't help it. I can't help seeing beyond what happens around me. I can't help try to figure out the reasons why people do things. I can't help but wonder if it's their personality that controls them, or some horrible experience that haunts them, or whether the two influence each other in some way.
I can't help but think if it's their mother who told them what wrong things to do.
So that is why I don't see the point in talking about what I did in my day. Because there is a reason why I did what I did in my day. There is a reason for what I said and who I spent time with. There is a reason why I kept secrets from them. There is a reason why I didn't. There is a reason I miss them at the end of the day, and why I don't.
So why can't we just talk about that? Why can't we just spend an entire post talking about our feelings? Why can't we just spend a few posts on why we hate the way we think? Why can't we spend a whole blog on how much we hate ourselves for thinking so much?
That's exactly what we have done.
And that's exactly what you'll torture yourself reading.
XXX
Is it wrong to miss someone for no other reason than you enjoying the time spent with them? Is it wrong to miss someone because they make you a little more optimistic about the future? Is it wrong to miss someone who makes the time seems alot less depressing?
I think it is very wrong.
But I can't help it.
For one thing though, I need to be proud of myself for keeping this feeling totally platonic. I am glad that I am not missing them for the worst reasons. But I am not glad that I still miss them. Because this means that I have formed some sort of attachment to them. And forming attachments can never be a good thing unless there is a 100% guarantee - when there really never is.
But I do miss the time spent with you. I like our teasing remarks and our gossip exchanges. I like that I can look forward to something in the week. I like that I could potentially trust you with my secrets without having you judge me.
Though I can never be right. I could possibly freak you out so much that you would find it excruciatingly difficult to hang out with me. I could possibly reveal so much of my life without knowing a thing about yours. And I could most capably destroy this thing that I miss.
So help me help myself.
Cheers.
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