Invisible.

I don't understand how a single wall post can cause me to rant and rave to myself in the dark (really dark) hours of the night, just before I need to catch up on sleep. But it has. And somewhere deep down I am sure this is all for a good reason that may never reveal itself, but it's there.

FACT : I don't like introducing my friends to one another. Yes, brand me selfish before I even have a chance to explain this juvenile behaviour to you. You would think that this would just add to more fun. More people being more happy together with you. So this would all equal one huge super party.

Fuck that. The reality of the situation is, well my situation at least, is that people don't remember me as soon as they have met. They completely forget that I am in the middle of this entire conversation and proceed to discuss their life stories as if they had grown up together or something. It's not so hard to at least try and include me, but people are weird. I don't even know how this works. I don't know if I subconsciously step down to let them carry on their budding romance. I don't know if subconsciously I want people to be happy.

I don't fucking think so. It's so hard for me to hang on to friends. Either the really good ones move away, or I move away from the really good ones. And it feels like, you don't fucking care who the person that introduced you in the first place is. Why are you going around telling MY friends that you will be here? Why? Does this not go through me? Do you even care how I feel about these people? Maybe I had this massive fight with them and don't want to talk to them. Or maybe I just don't get along with them. I don't know.

Also, why them? WHY EVERYONE FUCKING ELSE BUT ME? Are you trying to make me feel more worthless than I already do? I'm sorry, ARE YOU ACTUALLY TRYING THIS? You don't think I have degraded myself enough? What makes them so much more entertaining than me? Is it tits? I got tits. Is it some easy look plastered on their face?

GIVE ME A FUCKING CLUE.

Tell me why I become invisible to everyone. Why does everyone forget me? It's like I am matchmaking friends but no one wants to matchmake friends for me. Why would anyone worry anyway, about matching people with me? I'm so fucking shit as a person, and heck no one would even remember me. Maybe because I don't even fucking care.

This is turning out to be the shit week I predicted.

A lot more tears on the fucking way.

Cheers.

PS. I miss you blog, you have no idea. How does even my BLOG manage to send me on a guilt trip???