I can't get over this. I don't think I ever will. Ever feel good enough for anyone, not even myself. It's like one of those fly-on-the-wall situations, except for me it's apparently permanent. It has its own screen time and its own soundtrack, but without an audience. After all, who would want to watch such a depressing story for no pay?
I just watch myself, silently, blissfully. Waiting for me to make the next move. But I don't make any moves. Because I can't help but think of all the reasons why. Why I can't be good enough. Why I am constantly overshadowed and undervalued. Sometimes, the things people say really get to me. I feel less worthy than I should and incapable of being normal. Maybe the normality I wish for, isn't really normal at all. It's just something different than what it is for me now.
Normality is to be loved by people for who you are and in return you give love. So much of it that the amount of love you get back overwhelms you that you hate it. And maybe if you are so normal, your hopes and dreams come true because you work hard for it. Maybe you get rewarded for the little things that you do. Maybe you get rewarded for the little things you say. But you most definitely feel normal.
But I can't feel this normality. Nothing feels normal anymore. I don't know who normal something is or how absurd. My judgement impaired, I walk around in a haze hoping to find something normal, that will bring me back to the world I thought I understood. I wish for a star, a clue or anything remotely magical to show me the right way, for I no longer know it.
I don't know how to feel about things anymore. I don't know if something is good for me, or it's disguised as a curse. Because the happiness something brings me, inevitably invites bad auras and your happiness is short-lived. Should we really celebrate something that will only invite more curse? More pain? I can't imagine why someone would want to be happy.
I've realised that I am only truly pleased when I am depressed. My mood permanently sombre. If anything, it's more stable. It takes a lot of effort to shake someone out of depression, but think about how long it takes to make someone upset. How long it takes to mortify someone about their bleak future. How long it takes to make someone cry.
A heartbeat.
Even before their heart thinks of beating.
So why can't I stay depressed? It's a good place to be; nothing will bother me because there is theoretically nothing past rock bottom (although now that I have said that my rock bottom will fall through.) And no one can upset me. Because the only way they could is to join me there. And once there, if you do find me, you would be so overcome by the pressure of living in such a low place that it mutes you. Like the button on a remote.
And that is where I find the normality. To be stable. To be unshaken. To be fearless. To be totally depressed.
What about all those times I have been told that I will achieve something? This thing in particular is not something I can study for, or buy. I can't achieve this unless it chooses me. But I guess I am just one of those people who keeps getting passed over. Never chosen. Sometimes I am chosen, but only to learn hard lessons. I have no good memories from being chosen for this. There is always someone next to me who sends me into the darkness, where no one will see me. Past a beam of light is a haze of darkness, but you would never question the light or what lies behind it.
And there I am, wandering in the dark, watching all the attention go to the beautiful beam in front of me. It makes me wonder, will anyone ever look beyond the light and look for the beauty in the darkness? Is this beam even bright enough to overshadow me? Is this all just part of that fly-on-the-wall story?
Yes, that beam exists. And it is so bright, it's blinding. That even if it was possible to see past it and look into the darkness, you would not be remotely interested in what you find back there. After all, there is this shining light in front of you that would probably give you anything you want.
Am I always meant to be this way? Overshadowed? In the darkness? Never knowing what it's like to be the one that gets it all?
How do you think it feels when you are constantly passed over for things? If I could control this, I would have held its reigns by now. But at this moment, and forever it will be this way, I am in no control nor any indication of what this all means and why it happens. I am always the one in the shadows, waiting for my turn. Ever waiting. How much longer do I have to wait?
I think I am one of those girls who just never gets that one thing she wants. Maybe it's because I want it. But I can't just stop wanting this. But I need to. Because I am never going to get it. I am just going to have to live with what I have, however bitter and alone I might be. Perhaps I can pour my heart into other things. Be so famously ruthless that I am unstoppable. From all the anger that I have from not getting what I think I deserve.
What have I become?
A monster.
You leave me to be like this. Alone. You want me to be alone. Never to know what's it's like to be paid attention to. Alone. No comfort. No place to run from my sorrows. This is my sorrow.
Alone.
Forever.
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