I Love The Way I Look.

And yet it's a complete lie.

This post is going to be a little different, something I have never done before because I've never spoken of this out loud - although I'm sure alot of you may voice this out quite vocally (much to the annoyance of your listeners.) So here goes.

I have a problem with the way I look. I don't appear to, neither do I outwardly complain about it - but it always is at the back of my mind. It bothers me alot, particularly my figure. They call it curves - I call it overweight.

Sometimes it comes to the point of hating. I hate the fact I can belly roll. I hate the fact that I can exercise as much as I want, but in the end I'm always going to be frumpy. And it doesn't help that I am not of average height. I don't mind that - short girls are just as fabulous as tall girls - it's just that if I were a little taller, my appearance may not look so ... jelly-like.

I don't appreciate the fact that my jawline is hidden by facial fat; it puts me in a whole other cateogry. I just can't seem to like - or force myself to like - the way I look. I simply can't stand my figure.

And it's like a disease. I'm always picking up new garments when at the end of the day I end up shoving them at the back of the closet because I can see tyres through them, or my legs look like wieners. And I'm always in front of a mirror, trying to convince myself that there has been positive change when it was just the fat moving itself to another part of my abdomen.

I don't want to diet, because I know dieting can cause some serious damage to me later when you're much older as well as stunt any growth that might be coming my way. But I do know that I have to control what I eat. I want to cut out my sweets, but then again I think to myself that I should be enjoying myself. And I don't want to eat oily fried junk, but at the end of my monologous debate it boils down to the fact that I'm hungry. And that I need food. Any food.

Maybe this has something to do with the fact that no one has ever appreciated me for my looks. I know that sounds completely superficial but I think I at least want to know that people do think I am easy on the eyes. It's not the defining point in my life - but it sure helps. To have people check you out because ... you're hot. And not anyone. I'm talking about people whom you apprecicate for their looks too.

This is kind of a sob-story post but I guess I just really needed to let this out. I may appear confident about how I dress, but it's only because I don't let my insecurities reach my eyes - eventhough it's working full steam ahead behind them. I really take it to heart when people tell me that I need to lose weight, or when I'm insecure about me being left in the dark because I don't have a good figure.

I need to apologize to God because I am complaining over something trivial and hardly life-threatening. I want him to know I am very thankful for being healthy and not having a horrible disease and also for having all my body parts in tact. And also for not being deaf! (I was paranoid about that a few days ago.)

But I guess it's just me being insecure. And not having anything else to complain about.

I guess my fat is here to stay.

Cheers.