My Delirium.

Join me.

Last week was a pretty shit period for me. I didn't have anything to look forward to and people seemed to keep getting in my way and pissing me off. My longing for home returned, after I thought I had hidden it deep down within me. Turns out you can never hide something horrible for too long.

They all hit me in one go, leaving lasting bruises and even deeper burns just to remind me that I could still hurt like this. I guess if it's not some asshole you fell in love with that is hurting you, it would be something you came up with yourself. Maybe pain keeps us alive.

It was at first a period of intense hurt, and severe self-questioning followed as it usually does. Because everything that happens to me should have been caused by something I did. And then the confusion, the anger and the general annoyance of the situation.

And then everything changed into something unexpected; stagnancy. I was stagnant. Like I was just floating by in a mass of something alive but hardly moving. Like life had just let me down right then and there. Like it had just stopped mid-way without warning or a sign of it picking up velocity again.

And then I felt constricted. I started to feel that I am not meant for this situation and that life has a bigger purpose for me. The people around me do not share the same dreams that I do, and not even their own have the same grandiosity as mine have. They don't have the same thirst for life that I suffer, or a hunger for the things that they want in life. They are content, simply happy with what they have.

Maybe this is the reason why I am excited to move out of my current living space. I am already dreaming of how it will look and how it could best appeal to me. The colours, the shapes, the general feel of it. How it would give me comfort at the end of a long day. How it would allow me to delve into my thoughts as soon as I step into it. How I could travel to another space or time just by sitting there and dreaming.

How I could escape from my confines.

Perhaps I have set these boundaries myself and have chosen to ignore the fact that I could easily break through it any time I want to. Perhaps these boundaries are easy to overcome but I am holding myself back from them. Perhaps I am just dreaming these boundaries altogether.

But there is one thing I know for sure. My dreams aren't for play. I am going to make them reality. I am going to move into my dream city and my dream apartment and my life. I am going to have my dream job and my dream friends and my dream partner.

And maybe finally I can be happy.

I just don't know if it will take eternity.

Cheers.