Life In Denial.

Is oh, but the sweetest thing.

Denial is a funny concept. I swear, it does make you laugh once you've properly grasped it. It enables you to live a whole new life alongside your current one, and switch between situations whenever you feel the need. It doesn't even take rocket science; a generous amount of time and a drop of insanity will do the trick. And the best part is, once you're through with your double life, you can just ... drop it. No horrible accidents, no suicidal urges, no nasty funerals.

Just a drop.

Not laughing yet?

Well really, the joke lies in the idea of it. The way it allows you to come up with excuses for everything. The way it comes up with excuses for coming up with excuses. The way everything has a reason for their existence and how they all eventually form an infinite cycle of madness. The way you are allowed to live in your own world of your chosen rules and your chosen inhabitants and your chosen beginnings and endings, and any form of disturbance is immediately morphed into an ideal. The way you can pick a character and create a story for just the two of you. The way you can feel however you want to feel without ever questioning its rationale or debating how wrong it is.

The way you can exist without ever worrying.

After all that reasoning, Denial seems like a perfect state to be in. Where else could you abandon any ounce of self-worth you have left in you, or knock your ego off from its pedestal, or neglect common sense entirely, or ignore perfectly sound advice ... AND live at the same time?

So we have discovered a flaw. As long as you're human, you can't live in Denial. That second life you have created for yourself, as are all other beautiful things in the world, is merely an illusion. It has no physical substance, no tangibleness and quite possibly, no existence. So while you've stepped out from that continous sweltering static we call life, in hopes of dipping your feet into the cool waters of Denial, all you achieve is falling through oblivion.

And that's where I have been all this while, floating through oblivion. Although it's more comforting to say that I am in Denial, I have to ... stop being in denial and realise that this circumstance I've been living in isn't really there.

Things are never going to work out between us. He was never a good person to begin with, and his friend isn't going to solve my problem either. Despite whatever I tell myself, I am still immensely attracted to him and it's about time I gave up that little bit of hope I am hanging onto. I have got to let go of it; him, his memories, his smell, his touch, how happy he made me feel, how alive he made me feel, how wanted he made me feel, how attractive he made me feel. I need to destroy everything and move along. Hate him, if I have to. Build myself an emotional wall. Enforce it with steel. And stop falling for people so fast and so hard.

I need to force myself to swim these waters and give up holding onto that gnarly branch that has been keeping me afloat.

Even if it means drowning.

Cheers.