We Are Always Searching.

For eternal bliss; or just a moment of sunshine.

I hoped for more than this when everything started to change. Her world grew brighter, I was happy. Her world grew bigger, I was happy. Her world started to push me out of it, I once again hid behind my conclusion that people never change.

Things get better, and you forget what it was like to be worse.

I remember the days when she needed someone. To spend time with. To look after. To love. And I tried to be there. I tried to be her saviour - and give her nearly everything she wanted so she didn't have to yearn for so much. The world was cruel, the world was harsh. And she was the last person to deserve that.

And then it got better for her. Way better. I felt like I had achieved something, by keeping her well so she could face the good times when they came, just as I had promised they would. She started to smile again. Fulfilled, satisfied. Thankful that her life was something more than random idleness. Thankful that she has something to focus on, to look forward to. And I was more than happy.

And now, she is estatic. She is in good company - perfect company, if I might add - and she has her days filled with work so she no longer has time to look to the darker side of things. She has a healthy place to grow, and a healthy person to grow with. Who returns her affection just the way she wants it.

And a place where I have been completely written out.

A place where I used to wander right beside her, when she needed me. And because she needs me no more, she needs to clear some space in her life for all the new things that make her content.

But a less than intellectual (yet somehow accurate) individual once mentioned that we use people for happiness. Phoebe and Joey argued the case that there is no such thing as a selfless deed.

Quite true.

We never really help others unless there is something in it for us. Think about it. Even if you helped someone by chopping your own arm off, you bleed away knowing deep down you did it to help - and thus you feel happy. You could feed a starving child, and just think of all the publicity you would get. You could love somebody, just because it makes you happy.

So how does this all translate? People use us to keep themselves happy, while we use them to keep ourselves happy. Is it human nature to want to be used? Or just a defect in the evolution of morals that someone forgot to correct? Maybe it's because that's the only way we know how.

And that is what is happening. She used me, I used her. She found someone else who could give her more than I could have, so she moves on. And I just never stopped needing to use her.

Well so be it then. If the time has ended for her to feel any sort of comfort from me, then I must learn to live without her.

Learn to live using someone else.

Cheers.

I Killed Myself.

Hi, from the underworld.


I'm going to get to the point, because let's face it : neither of us have any time to listen to my gibberish. So here goes.


I have lost focus. Completely swung away from my initial aims and dreams to a total nervous wreck. Morphed into an unknown being in permanent self-destruct mode. Kneaded my dough till I made a paste of flour so potent, I choked on it.


And this is after I told myself I would be alright. After I told myself to calm down and to be focused on what matters to me the most. After I assumed I wasn't going to be stupid about this.


But I just made a total ass of you and me.


After frustrating myself to the point of no return and spinning myself around enough times to have me vomit, I have a tarot card reading. Out comes the stack of cards and I'm shuffling through them praying that each and every one that I pick comes out with some magical idea of love or career advancement.


And as predicted, I laid out shit cards in front of me.


My love life : I'm supposed to meet/have met someone with dark hair and dark eyes and of charming nature, but is full of lies, contempt, anger, and bitterness. In the future I am supposed to meet someone of fair complexion, with brown hair and lovely eyes who is a cheat and a liar. No mention of me meeting anyone proper in the near or distant future. Also I will have unreturned affection (usually the case.)


Future in general : Although one particular card said something about me socialising and gaining in popularity, the rest of them all went along the lines of rocky times ahead. I am supposed to be on a path of caution - that is to watch my back at all times. One card said I would be betrayed, cheated and loveless. Another one also mentioned trust issues and that I shouldn't be putting my faith in everyone, while another said that I have to focus what is beyond my expectations.


Translated : You are a total moron and your life is full of crap.


Just as I thought.


What is with this never-ending quest of finding someone to love? I am never desperate for anything but this just screams it. I have an idea of what I want but I don't know why I want it. Until I discover that there is nothing in me. And I know what is causing it.


I am hollow.


I've been told that as happy and content as I seem, there is this deep inner lonliness that I am searching to fill. And this searching occurs without me knowing. I am knocking on every door and beating down every option to see if I can plug up that hole in me that is draining my energy. It's why I keep ending up at dead ends of misery and tragedy and sorrow, when I knew in the beginning it would have ended in pain. But I decide to go ahead with it, because any option must be exhausted till it has caused me nothing but trouble.


And I don't know why there is this need for affection. I've been significantly doted on all my life. I have all the friends in the world I need. And yet I have this unsatiable desire to be loved. By a complete stranger. By someone I have will have no idea of until the very end. By someone who could very well dedicate their life to me, just before they rip my throat out with a blade.

Why am I so pathetic?

The answers will come when the questions are asked.

So what the hell have I been doing then?

Cheers.

Update : We Want Neon.

And lots of it.

To complete my collection of excruciatingly solar neon apparel and accesories, I need this one little thing. And I promise you people, it's the cheapest thing on the list.

A pair of funkay neon eyewear.



Yea. This is it. And no, Tom Ford does not make these. Pity, pity. Anyway, I honestly don't care where it comes from; as long as it works and jazzes me up to a higher awesomeness level.

Not that I need it. UH.

Cheers.

PS. I must admit that my 'birthday registry' is a just a wishlist after all. I don't expect any of my dear readers to go out and swipe these magnificently expensive items.

Except LXJ. Because she owes me Gabe Saporta.

However, it does give them some swell ideas - HintHint.

On another note, I need a life.

Sizzle, Frazzle, Pop.

Goes my brain.

It's been an explosion of things lately. Not anything of importance, but an explosion nonetheless. It is at this point that I need LXJ to talk to but she seems to be tired, ill and laden with work all the once. And when we do get a chance to speak, we're interrupted by frequent phone calls. So I give up. Since she's away from her landline at this point, it seems we've lost a little more than a telephone connection.

Beforehand, I would have a had a million and one things to discuss with her, all listed down in my head alphabetically. And as soon as I hear her voice, it disappears completely. Before we speak, she explains the time constraint. And how able she is at the moment to process my whining. And so the conversation continues with sighs and deep breaths. Until finally, someone rings and she has to go.

The bland dialogue is over.

It never used to be like this. I used to force myself to keep a smile on through the hardest of days because I know that when I arrive home I can dissipate all my worries by talking to her. I could tell her even the weirdest event of the day, or even the most embarrassing, and that would be an end to it.

But now, I have to take a new path. Unable to call her during the weekdays, and hardly getting the chance on weekends, I've decided to push my problems to the back of my head. As far back as I possibly can. Not ever hoping to retrieve them. And in the process, wishing that they dissolve into the fluids without a trace.

It's not her fault at all. She didn't ask to me sick. She didn't ask to be busy. She didn't ask to be away from me. But someone did. And someone got their wish. Because right now, I can feel the strings loosening a little bit. I can feel this connection ... disconnecting. Breaking up. Like the telephone line during a blackout in a horror movie.

We will spend as much time as we can together when it's time for the curtain call. I promise. Until then, it's going to be me trying as hard as I can to focus on what means the most to me right now. Hoping on every star out there that I work as hard as I can and achieve the best results possible.

XXXXX

In other news, I am having a hard time concentrating because I'm trying to plan a party over here! Two, actually. Where, what, who, how, and what on fucking earth to wear? Seems almost apropos to plan it now, but given various circumstances I have to put that on hold until mid year.
Dayum. Anyway, here's another addition to my birthday registry.

Yes. It's the oversized clutch purse. For those of you unable to afford the Chanel purse (how could you?) you may get the much cheaper and just as lovely one at Vincci. Now people, the colours in question here are black and gold. In the picture directly above, Hilary Duff and Mary-Kate have the perfect-sized clutch. Just so you guys don't buy me luggage. You're welcome.

Cheers.

PS. My 90th post!

A Little Bit Of Spice.

Sometimes I wonder.

Before I get down to this, I have to explain two very recent quotes by the Ray Of Sunshine that sent me flying off my seat.

1. While having lunch, we spot a man and a woman standing in the line behind the counter ordering their food. The two have obviously stepped out from their workplace to grab a bite, where the man here is dressed in usual office garb. The woman, however is wearing a gold satin top under her black suit, AND gold glitter shoes. She has stale makeup on and has filthy hair. Modern work ethics? I doubt so. Just a very eventful night.

As she cosies up to the man, who is obviously not interested in her, our RoS says :


'Hmm ... I guess lunch is on me.'


2. RoS is talking about a bastard ex-boyfriend of someone we know. And she would say this to him if she ever saw his sorry face :


'You must never say bad things about dead people. You must say good. So when someone tells me that you are dead, I'll just say - good!'


It's interesting how the mind works.

XXXXX

Moving on to something a little important. Lately, it's been tough. Tough friends. Tough work. Tough love. And just then it got better. I managed to put a stop to one of the biggest worries in my head, and I didn't have such a terrible day. I made new friends, and embraced old ones. And although I have no idea when it's going to happen, I might meet someone I've been wanting to meet for a while.


But here's the thing. It's been sometimes since I've had eyes for a guy and lately, there's someone who is seriously trying to get me off of that safe platform, and plunge into the scary waters of obsession. And it's not like I want to care. I mean - the last thing you want is to get your hopes up for something that isn't going to happen.


And that's the hard part. Not kneading your dough. It's terrible. There isn't actually a way to stop it or even temporarily numb you from it. Once you've started, you just keep falling. Deeper and deeper into insanity, until well - you finally hit rock bottom, which isn't actually a great place. And when you awake from it, everything around you is as if you never left.


I guess the only way to prevent any of this from happening is to stop it right at the start. With absence. And no, if you really do punish yourself, absence does not make the heart grow fonder. A few days away from the person will do your heart good. And when you see them again, it will be as good as new.


But I'm worried. I don't have much time left till I'm done with everything and I pack up my life to release it into the wild. I've got the time and priorities constraint on me and I'm waiting for a miracle. I have to remember : it can either work out into a really good situation or explode in my face. I can either choose to forget it till it happens, or obsess to the point I'm counting down the days till I see him again. I can decide whether to be smart and dull, or recklessly crazy.

Either way, it's obviously going to turn into a bad situation. It always does. I'll regret I had anything to do with it and move along. Onto the next potential candidate for my Greek love story.

Casting call to be held tomorrow. Any takers?

Cheers.

Coming, Coming.

It's been awhile.

Yes, I know. The last time I blogged was last Thursday, imagine that. Don't worry, I haven't sent myself back to the realms of my study seat/electric chair just yet. It's just that I am waiting for a big story before I update. And no worries, I feel one right in my veins.

A little confrontation. A little yelling. A little bitching. And a whole lot of swearing.

Coming soon.

Cheers.

A Waste of Time.

On pretending I'm OK.


First of all, let me start with my horrible yesterday. Yesyes, it could have been worse, but it did make me feel like walking of the top of a building so it's counted.


Started off alright; bumped into a jerk and ignored him. Got to class and daydreamed about Jewish weddings. And then we ran into trouble. In the form of a block-headed jerk. Who I must congratulate for being able to switch my mood right round to complete depression and at one point total fury. I started dialling my helpline - and she got me to calm down a little bit. Although I still wanted to punch someone to the ground.


Anyway. Had a really pathetic lunch. Didn't get to see my Seducing Eyes long enough (who looked so good today.) Fucked up some chemical waste and made a mess of myself. Lost my lab goggles for the second time. And walked halfway home in the rain.


Now here's the clincher. Here's me reenacting the saddest part of any self-reflective movie out there that never made it to box office. Imagine a relatively overweight girl, saddled down with two heavy bags strapped across her. She stands alone holding her measly umbrella in the rain, while she's drenched by the wet breeze. She's standing so far away from the happiness, the laughter, the people. And she's cold. Hungry. Tired. Upset. Lonely.


Yes. I am not making this up. I actually hoped it was all a dream.

So in this mood of intense self-denial and complete hatred towards anything living, I start to think. Why. Why does he have to be so goddamn emotionless? Why does he have to think everything is a joke? Why am I making myself mine for an aorta of feeling deep down in the Dreaded Pits of Disaster?

Why do I fucking bother?

At the end of it, he's just going to laugh at me. And then ask people what's wrong when I put on a sour face. And make me want to choke him.

But I think it was just the stress of the entire day resting on my shoulders. I was upset about a whole lot of things, and through this all She has to move away from her phone line and arrive home just as mine becomes out of bounds. That would have made all of you hate it a little bit, huh?

I didn't mean to get so angry at him. He doesn't deserve my superfluous emotions that present themselves erratically. He doesn't deserve to hear my incessant whining about my hang-ups. He doesn't deserve to want to pity me. And heck, he doesn't deserve me.

He deserves someone better than me.

I mean - doesn't everyone?

Who would want to involve themselves with someone so fake? So incredibly annoying. With such a hypocritical mind. And bad feelings about wrong things. And a mental case with an attention disorder. A person that craves for compliments and never receives them without asking for them first. Someone without a functioning memory. A person without common public decorum. Someone who prefers to shout than talk. Who bitches about the people she cares about the most.

A two-faced individual without discipline or priorities. An obsessive bitch who wants people to jump when she says so. Who eats more than she needs too. A person who wants to be different and yet have people say she looks like everyone else. A person with an inner lonliness so deep - it has seen the centre of the earth. Who has her mind fucked up by worthless bastards. Who has only ever once been called good-looking (or in fact, anything along those lines), by someone who was anything but.

And quite simply, a horrible person.

So yes. What is a waste of time? I am a waste of time. Yours, mine and generally anyone in the world. An extreme bout of depression and impressively low self-esteem? Not at all.

Just facing the reality of it, unlike all of you choosing not to.

Cheers.

*PS - Dear Readers, please leave comments in my Cbox. If you've been keeping yourself updated, I need to know too. Thanks.