I Killed Myself.

Hi, from the underworld.


I'm going to get to the point, because let's face it : neither of us have any time to listen to my gibberish. So here goes.


I have lost focus. Completely swung away from my initial aims and dreams to a total nervous wreck. Morphed into an unknown being in permanent self-destruct mode. Kneaded my dough till I made a paste of flour so potent, I choked on it.


And this is after I told myself I would be alright. After I told myself to calm down and to be focused on what matters to me the most. After I assumed I wasn't going to be stupid about this.


But I just made a total ass of you and me.


After frustrating myself to the point of no return and spinning myself around enough times to have me vomit, I have a tarot card reading. Out comes the stack of cards and I'm shuffling through them praying that each and every one that I pick comes out with some magical idea of love or career advancement.


And as predicted, I laid out shit cards in front of me.


My love life : I'm supposed to meet/have met someone with dark hair and dark eyes and of charming nature, but is full of lies, contempt, anger, and bitterness. In the future I am supposed to meet someone of fair complexion, with brown hair and lovely eyes who is a cheat and a liar. No mention of me meeting anyone proper in the near or distant future. Also I will have unreturned affection (usually the case.)


Future in general : Although one particular card said something about me socialising and gaining in popularity, the rest of them all went along the lines of rocky times ahead. I am supposed to be on a path of caution - that is to watch my back at all times. One card said I would be betrayed, cheated and loveless. Another one also mentioned trust issues and that I shouldn't be putting my faith in everyone, while another said that I have to focus what is beyond my expectations.


Translated : You are a total moron and your life is full of crap.


Just as I thought.


What is with this never-ending quest of finding someone to love? I am never desperate for anything but this just screams it. I have an idea of what I want but I don't know why I want it. Until I discover that there is nothing in me. And I know what is causing it.


I am hollow.


I've been told that as happy and content as I seem, there is this deep inner lonliness that I am searching to fill. And this searching occurs without me knowing. I am knocking on every door and beating down every option to see if I can plug up that hole in me that is draining my energy. It's why I keep ending up at dead ends of misery and tragedy and sorrow, when I knew in the beginning it would have ended in pain. But I decide to go ahead with it, because any option must be exhausted till it has caused me nothing but trouble.


And I don't know why there is this need for affection. I've been significantly doted on all my life. I have all the friends in the world I need. And yet I have this unsatiable desire to be loved. By a complete stranger. By someone I have will have no idea of until the very end. By someone who could very well dedicate their life to me, just before they rip my throat out with a blade.

Why am I so pathetic?

The answers will come when the questions are asked.

So what the hell have I been doing then?

Cheers.