Radio Dreams.

I have all but two friends these past days.

My radio and my Youtube.

My radio - because it has kept me alive throughout the most dreadful of times, especially when I've locked myself in my room and glued my fucking ass to the seat. It keeps me from being distracted from the outside world - from the sky, from the sounds of rain and sunshine, and from fresh air and my dreams.

My Youtube. Granting me one solid hour of total brainless fun, and allowing me to restore myself with a little sanity before heading back to place my ass in the imprint I have formed on my seat.

I can't feel half my brain, I don't know what hunger pangs feel like anymore (because they happen so often I can't tell which is which) and also I have sprained my wrist from digging my pen into paper.

If this isn't insanity, then I don't know what is.

Also, for the first time since ... ever ... I can't fall asleep. I could be fighting to stay awake all day, and as I force my head to my pillow, I'd be wide awake. Thinking. What if this ... ? What if that ...? What if I can't fucking fall asleep?

In no time shall I develop another personality. Safe.

This exam has taken the life out of me. I don't laugh anymore. I don't listen to music (not referring to tolerable replays on the radio). And finally, this will be shocking :

I don't talk anymore.

Honestly. I have not been on the phone for ages, so much so my ears are falling off. I don't speak at home. And get this, I don't even talk to myself.

And the thing is, I usually find a way out of my issues. Sometimes, I'd get out of it as easily as I got in, or simply, forget about it and move on with life. But this time, there is no way I can forget this. Now that's a phenomenon. I have never had something so life-changing as this before. I have never felt anything of this weight bearing down on me. I have never had to do something so well that my life depended on it.

And now I do.

I hope to The Fates that I have put enough effort into this. Because if it isn't enough, I have no other option.

Mucking about and pretending to have studied. CHECK.
Forcing myself into denial and hoping something good comes out of it. CHECK.
Enduring as much tension as smashing my head into a glass-infused brick wall. DOUBLE CHECK.

See?

And I couldn't talk to anyone about this. Oh no, I've tried. For one, I forgot that I was speaking to just another clone of the tactless Malaysian species. The ones who reply your problem with 'Yes, ah? Really, ah? Why, ah? I don't have problem like that one, why you har?

I'm sorry, I just can't speak to people like that.

And the other group who do not understand just how heavy this weight is. And also advise me to evade this weight, and not fucking give a shit. Basically, they don't understand that if I had a fucking option I would now, eh?

There's no point wasting my time pouring out my thoughts. I have tried everything. And it frustrates me that there are still some things I don't understand.

At the end, if I fail, there is only one way out.

To forget about everything I had ever wished for.

And that is a lifetime of dreams.

Cheers.