As I am typing this, I have 10 hours until my number changes. 10 hours until I go through the typical proceedings of a celebration still alien to me, despite so many years of practice. And 10 hours to finish what I had started exactly one year ago.
Seems like just about enough time to reflect on what actually happened the same time last year.
I know I keep coming back to this, but so far it's been one of the most life-changing experiences I ever been through, and it's only fair that I should relate every event to it. Why I behave the way I do. Why you behave the way you do. Why you behave because of how I behave.
Same time this year, I had one word. Chaos.
From lapsing between a dream and reality, to finally realising it's a nightmare and not being able to release myself from it. From thinking that everything you did was right, to knowing that everything you did was wrong. From dreaming of a beautiful story happily ever after, to living out a disaster.
Transitions, transitions.
But I know I did one thing right. I escaped just before that fatal blow struck me. And because life does not get any simpler, I have not forgotten one moment of my past. As I type this, everything plays out like a low-budget film in front of me, with real actors and real situations. Or perhaps I'm the only real actor with the real situation; everything else are props I could have chosen to live without.
But I didn't. I made a mistake. I made mistakes. Over and over again. Until my chances completely ran out, and the Fates were looking down upon me in pity. Pity for the fool who used up all her chances.
I could have died in there, mentally.
XXXX
So what's left of me? A new skeleton. A new skin. A new face.
A new person.
I have changed, I'm convinced. I remember having a fiery, fool-hardy passion. A go-getter attitude. A constant nothing-can-bring-me-down feeling. And it all died right in that mess. What brought me down eventually? The one thing I didn't think could.
Myself.
I brought myself down. Down to a level where I could control my own heart again. Where I could realise that the best things in life are right where I left them. Where I could see how I had hurt the people I love, and let those who see me with hate - rule me. Where I could regret the folly of my ways.
This is me now. Calmer. Wiser. Grateful. And with the permanent assumption that the worst will always happen before the best of things.
So maybe that whole shit was needed. I needed to experience one of the most emotional wars ever so I could shed my naivete. I needed to be confused and tossed around like salad leaves so I could realise that there is something better than what I had chosen.
And when I did that, things started improving. Friendships, family, and life. I could smile. I could behave exactly the way I wanted to. I could just not think.
And here I write this, with 9 hours and 30 minutes left, that I am glad to have changed. I am more proud of myself (just a little), and I understand what it means to be in a bad situation unarmed.
A year on, a year older. I'm still growing, still evolving.
Waiting for my next lesson to hit me right in the face.
Cheers.
No comments:
Post a Comment