And The Pressure Is On.

Crushing me, it's crushing me.

So there's this thing called pressure. If applied correctly, it can be used to drive someone on, into battle for instance, and let fear chase them to the finish line.

And if applied wrongly?

Why, my dear child, it destroys you.

Shatters your mind, your body and your soul alike. Sometimes it takes a little more time than it really needs. Slow, calculated forces shoot through your every cell. Breaking you bit by bit until you finally surrender to your pain.

And eventually, death. For those who are fortunate, of course.

But my situation is a little more complex than this. Aeons more, actually. I've got a pressure so intense that I cannot allow myself to dream until I know it's going to happen. Because one of the greatest pains in life is to dream, and then have someone drive a hammer through them just as you are about to reach it. In order for me to ever please anybody (excluding myself at this point) I probably have to live like a phoenix.

Alternate death and reincarnation.

If only that was possible. The Fates have made sure that us humans shall roam this diseased earth and debate our choices long and hard, until we finally pick the wrong one - where the Fates will rejoice and guide you straight to it. And you live your entire life making the wrong moves, choosing the wrong paths, and throughout them blaming it on yourself. In the end, no one really dies happy.

You either live out all your dreams, and still feel like you're missing something.
Or you either live your life, trying to be as happy as possible, so that you can guarantee at least to yourself, that you have had a good life.

But you die in sorrow, because you had to give up everything to try and live peacefully.

No amount of religion is going to help anybody solve their problems. It gives you hope, yes. Which is not especially useful when you're under 20 feet of crap. Hope is not the shovel that is going to help you sift through it so you reach the top again. Hope is that little mining lantern that grows dimmer every second you hope for it to glow brighter.

Now, what does this have to do with me?

It's that time again. When I psyche myself so bad into thinking that my entire life depends on this one decision. And you know why? Because it bloody does. I either push myself to work a little harder, or I give it all up and suffer for a long time.

And then there's the fear. The fear of failing. The fear of failing myself, because I know I can do better.

But more importantly :

The fear of failing everyone else around me, because they expect an ocean from you.
The fear of failing everyone else, because they think you are going to fulfil those expectations. The fear of failing everyone else, because they have already planned out your life based on what they think is going to happen.
The fear of failing everyone else, because you are going to be blamed for the destruction of your life, and reminded about it constantly.

The fear of failing everyone else.

The fear of failing.

The fear.

It's bad enough I have no confidence in myself. But this whole situation here is going to mess with my mind. Drain me of any emotions I have in me, leaving a large empty void. Making me completely alien to anything remotely normal, so I can be different. I can be in a class of my own.

I can be perfect.

Why? Because the rest of them are. They have done nothing wrong in their lives and all mistakes are justified, or have never even been made in the first place. So I should be the same. Live a perfect regimented life. One you are proud of. One where all your decisions have clearly been right. One that is completely according to the book. What book?

The Fucked Book Of Fucked Rules.

And I should listen. Because that is just who I am - someone who lives according to the plan, and someone who listens.

Right.

And has you living by the rules made life more enjoyable? I doubt it. I highly doubt it. I honestly wish that we had a life full of excitement, and we were a little happier with ourselves. The fact is we're still working. Slogging. Burning off a bit of our souls every day.

I don't want to make mistakes. Heck, I'd do everything right starting now if I could. But making mistakes is part of the hell we live in. We are going to make them. We are going to hate them. But most importantly we are going to learn from them.

I wish perhaps we could forget them.

And as for this dilemma of mine, I only have one choice. To work as hard as I can and hope the path to my dreams comes out of it. And if not, then curse the Fates and so be it.

There is only one way to find out.

Cheers.