Killswitch.

Kill the switch.

It's lonely nights like these that make you miss the people you love the most.

How true. I haven't missed my family this much in a long time, that is, the family that is halfway across the world. The family that would require crazy amounts of currency to be with.

Goddamn average incomes.

But I'm still missing alot more than that. I'm thinking about my life in its precise motion. Slow and calculated, desperate for something to speed it up to something of substance. I am missing the times that still run through my head in all its technicolour; blue, green, taupe. Violet and charcoal.

I miss the times when things were guaranteed. I miss the times when there was always something to do, something to see, something to be.

And I've lost it now.

The good memories date back to 3 years ago, when things were good. When company was aplenty. When you could have a laugh, instead of force it. When someone was always going to be your personal jester, your personal listener, your personal everything. When you could collectively take the mick out of someone you admire deep down, but never admit to it. When you could wake up to a good feeling in your head, instead of a weight in the pit of your stomach. When you didn't have to sort out anything confusing. When you knew exactly what you wanted and it was still easy to come by.

When you directed life.

Not when life directed you.

It can be cruel. It can change you into who you never thought you would be, sometimes for the worse. It can make you feel so ashamed of the state you're in, and then leave that to control you. It can leave you feeling hopeless, lonely and drained from doing absolutely nothing.

And then it begins its torture.

1. I miss you. I miss how easy it is to talk to you. I miss how we can laugh at something without talking. I miss how you can be yourself in any situation and laugh the whole time. I miss how you and I agree on things others would find disturbing. I miss how you just don't care about things that shouldn't bother you. I miss how you make the world any colour you want it to be.

2. And you. I miss you for being such a perfect listener. I miss how you make me feel better just by being there. I miss how easy it is to start a conversation with you. I miss how I can discuss my deepest problems without worrying about you judging me. I miss how you understand me when I talk in riddles. I miss how I always need to talk to you. And you don't mind.

(Why are you still single?!)

3. And I miss you too. I miss how you always need to go out with me. I miss how you love so selflessly. I miss how you get excited over the cutest things. I miss how I can be myself around you. I miss how you know exactly what's wrong with me and tell me what to do about it before I can finish my story. I miss how you care so much about me.

You know who you are. Three complex individuals who are so different, and yet so alike. Three people who all offer me comfort in different ways.

Three people who should be here next to me right here right now, creating our own little party.

Our own little comfortable party.

Cheers.