I'm Losing It. Again.

I don't know how long I can keep fighting.

I don't know how long I can keep fighting this goddamn battle between me and myself. (And I. But I is long dead.) I don't know how long I want to keep trying to convince myself that my life is sure to turn out OK in the end. I don't know how long I need to repeat to myself the same hopes and dreams I want to achieve in the end, as if a constant chant will somehow assure me of inspiration.

I don't know how long more I can tolerate myself.

I want to give up. I just want to close my eyes, saying sorry to everyone who has ever relied on me and just let go. I just want to release every worry and inch of tension in me, knowing that they could return, with me not even giving them a second thought. I just think that maybe amidst all this drama and panic - filled moments of not knowing your next step, there is an escape. A way to let go of everything I had ever feared, and not bother with them after they're gone. I can live my life, second to second, hour to hour, day to day. I could wake up in the morning without a plan in my head, and go to bed that very night having done everything I would not have even thought of otherwise. I want to be able to rely entirely on my impulses, and make spontaneity my only principle in life.

I want to stop planning, as if having to record every step - like the scenes of a play; scene to scene, song to song, dying actor to dying actor, and fake tear to fake tear. I want to be able to record everything in my life after it's happened - not prepare it beforehand, and memorise it before heading off into the world. I want to completely rid myself of social rules, formed over centuries and milleniums of studying common human behaviour.

I want to be free.

But there I go again ... dreaming about things that exist only when we sleep. And good dreams are painful too, the way they are so vivid in their explanation, and slowly they draw you into the surreal realm of paradise. And yet, a sharp ring of the alarm can send you straight back into reality.

From the arms of the perfect lover, from the warmth of a beautiful home, from the comfort of your dreams having come true ...

Back to the harsh, brutal, sinister realities of life.

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