Radio Dreams.

I have all but two friends these past days.

My radio and my Youtube.

My radio - because it has kept me alive throughout the most dreadful of times, especially when I've locked myself in my room and glued my fucking ass to the seat. It keeps me from being distracted from the outside world - from the sky, from the sounds of rain and sunshine, and from fresh air and my dreams.

My Youtube. Granting me one solid hour of total brainless fun, and allowing me to restore myself with a little sanity before heading back to place my ass in the imprint I have formed on my seat.

I can't feel half my brain, I don't know what hunger pangs feel like anymore (because they happen so often I can't tell which is which) and also I have sprained my wrist from digging my pen into paper.

If this isn't insanity, then I don't know what is.

Also, for the first time since ... ever ... I can't fall asleep. I could be fighting to stay awake all day, and as I force my head to my pillow, I'd be wide awake. Thinking. What if this ... ? What if that ...? What if I can't fucking fall asleep?

In no time shall I develop another personality. Safe.

This exam has taken the life out of me. I don't laugh anymore. I don't listen to music (not referring to tolerable replays on the radio). And finally, this will be shocking :

I don't talk anymore.

Honestly. I have not been on the phone for ages, so much so my ears are falling off. I don't speak at home. And get this, I don't even talk to myself.

And the thing is, I usually find a way out of my issues. Sometimes, I'd get out of it as easily as I got in, or simply, forget about it and move on with life. But this time, there is no way I can forget this. Now that's a phenomenon. I have never had something so life-changing as this before. I have never felt anything of this weight bearing down on me. I have never had to do something so well that my life depended on it.

And now I do.

I hope to The Fates that I have put enough effort into this. Because if it isn't enough, I have no other option.

Mucking about and pretending to have studied. CHECK.
Forcing myself into denial and hoping something good comes out of it. CHECK.
Enduring as much tension as smashing my head into a glass-infused brick wall. DOUBLE CHECK.

See?

And I couldn't talk to anyone about this. Oh no, I've tried. For one, I forgot that I was speaking to just another clone of the tactless Malaysian species. The ones who reply your problem with 'Yes, ah? Really, ah? Why, ah? I don't have problem like that one, why you har?

I'm sorry, I just can't speak to people like that.

And the other group who do not understand just how heavy this weight is. And also advise me to evade this weight, and not fucking give a shit. Basically, they don't understand that if I had a fucking option I would now, eh?

There's no point wasting my time pouring out my thoughts. I have tried everything. And it frustrates me that there are still some things I don't understand.

At the end, if I fail, there is only one way out.

To forget about everything I had ever wished for.

And that is a lifetime of dreams.

Cheers.

Resolutions. And The Countdown Begins.

So as the year draws to a close - at this point in 49 minutes - I guess it's time to get the resolutions out of the way. Yes, the ones we succeed in making, but fail in keeping.

An entire year has gone by before my eyes and I can't stop commenting how much so. We've had ups and downs throughout : turmoil in politics, economies (the worst yet), minds, hearts and lives. And a little closer to home, we've been on relationship, friendship and family roller coaster rides, where excitement overwhelmed us at the top, and vomit drowned us below.

I need to say this before I forget. We are ever - changing, ever - evolving. Our teenage years are the most crucial in our lives - the most exciting, and also one of the hardest. We figure out who we are, why we are that way, and try to solve mysteries far beyond our grasp. We learn from bitter relationships when they get broken, we make friends too fast and break them when they fail.

Basically what I am saying is, everything is evolving. When we are in an unhealthy relationship, we should know when to leave it. Similarly, if we are in a failed friendship - at the breaking point when the two just don't get along - it's time to give up and both parties have to accept it. And in the case of family, they are the only people who are going to be there when everything falls apart. You can never really hate them.

Where was I? Right, Resolutions.

1. Friendships - We will make and break them. We will never know if we'll be friends forever until the last moment.

2. Relationships - I have mentioned this in the previous post. But as always, leave it when you know all it's making you do is think HARD about it, and hurt badly. No relationship should have to be so hard.

3. Family - Stick around for them. They'll always be there until the end.

And finally, by the time you read this ...

Happy New Year, readers.

Thanks for reading my blog, and Cheers to another great year. What was it that Shakespeare said again? Your beauty encapsulated ... lines of sonnet ... forever as man can read/see ...

Ah well. I was never good at things written by dead people.

Simply speaking : As long as I am talking, the blog will keep on walking.

And that's going to be pretty long.

-Cheers-

As The New Year Enters, We Diet On Dreams.

It's about two days away.

I've been through it sixteen times. You would think it would be almost predictable to me by now. All over the world gleaming LED balls of crystal are dropped down to the ground, confetti is sprinkled across cities, and fireworks become the evening entertainment.

And yet every year, it completely bedazzles me. Perhaps it's because the fireworks look like a billion stars, and at that moment I am just completely lost in ecstasy.

And I count down the years I have left until I am legal (which I am still doing.)

But somehow, this New Year is going to mean something more to me than orgasmic stars in the sky and countdowns.

It is a year totally based on dreams.

There is one side : where I am able to leave the first part of my life here, and enter a new passage to the beginnning of the rest of my future. I am going to leave homebase and make a person out of me (finally, argh) and push myself to the extent of my potential - and most definitely make all my dreams a reality. Every single one of them :

Cashier, librarian, pilot, drummer, guitarist, singer, dancer, actress, model, photographer, fashion designer, banker, economist, lawyer, doctor, life -saver, path - changer, crowd - gatherer, show -stopper, tension - bearer, future - predicter, befriender, lover, mother, caretaker, nurturer, pain - bearer, emotion - controller ...

Gosh, that's alot of shoes to fill.

And then there is the other side : I could completely fail everything I am hoping for and have my glass dreams shatter into a billion pieces onto me. Which, being as pessimistic as I can be, may happen.

I am pushing myself to the boundaries. It seems like it's happened before, and then again. Maybe the time lapse of an entire year makes it seem like it hasn't. But this time, my entire future lies on this exam. No grade, no future.

While dealing with this enigma I have set upon myself, among other things such as the meaning of life, I have got to try my hardest and make the best of the time and brain matter left. All I have now is the opportunity to try my best with the good side of my dreams pushing me ahead. The outcome of all of this - is up to higher powers.

And that's how I'll ring in the New Year : Something powerful to destroy my anxieties, turn them into motivational instincts and help me sail to success on a bed of clouds.

Sounds like alcohol, don't you think?

-No comment-

I Forgot I Was Not Finished.

I forgot. As usual.

I was harmlessly brinning for Basshunter. Harmless. Completely innocent. Just looking for porno videos of the only husband that makes me laugh my ass off - and has various sex fetishes. But that's another story for another day.

Anyway.

Harmlessly searching for his nude pictures, I stumbled onto a blog of someone in my college, who happened to own a real awesome SLR. So I go OK - let's see this chick's pictures. And I am harmlessly scrolling along the page, when my heart stops.

I see someone I hadn't seen in a bloody long time.

Uhuh, the evasive Sheep.

And literally, my heart stopped. STOPPED. Crashed and burned. BUT WAIT! Please don't start whacking your heads on the ground saying 'OMFG, she's gone back to him now ...'. Not yet at least.

Kidding.

I really felt something go straight through. My breathing quickened. My pulse was sky-high. It was hyperventilation leading onto brain damage. And it was at this point I realised why.

I had forgotten that I was not done with the whole ordeal. I still had 2 more steps left, or at least I think so. The first, looking at him for the first time after a long period. And the second, well, to see him in person (then whack a metal bar into his groin and shove it where the Sun does not frequent.)

And I had just checked this step without preparing for it. I guess it was about time. And you know what, I took it like medication - horrible at first taste, but once you keep taking it, it doesn't taste so bad anymore. And then you start to notice that it actually does have a sweet tinge to it.

In this case, Sheep looks mighty fine. No doubts why I fell for him in the first place.

DAY-UM.

But anyway, he should come with a warning. Might I suggest ... ?

WARNING : I'M AN ASSHOLE. AND I KISS FOR FUN.

That should be quite appropriate.

Oh well, one down, one more to go.

One more bitter pill to go.

- No comment -

*People, I'm not going back to Sheep. Don't freak out. Even if he starts to look like Basshunter.

... which might be a torture, actually. But he never could. Right?

Merry Christmas.

Let this one day make you happy.

It seems like it was just last week I had finished high school. Totally free from the pressures of cramming and suffering the consequences of my procrastination. Imagine that - I had an entire month to muck about. I went shopping, I went cam-whoring, I spent time with my best friends and made memories that would last a lifetime.

This year we were all introduced a different life, and a different set of rules and a whole new playing field. Granted that some of us were in another country, but we all faced this new challenge in front of us. No manual, no guide - we just plunged right into its depths, hoping to come out of it with some lessons learnt.

And I must admit that there were so many new things I was exposed to. A higher level of difficulty had been applied to everything -mentally, physically, and emotionally (no doubt.)

At first, I was completely nervous about the whole new encounter. I could not wait to get out of the situation, literally counting down the 18 months of the whole ordeal. And then it got better. I made new friends, and saw that we all felt the same way. You know, it doesn't seem so bad when everyone is heading the same way you are, eventhough the path is narrow and dangerous.

At one point, I made some REALLY NEW friends. Foreign friends. From a different side of the world. And at the time, it seemed exciting, interesting and mostly intriguing. I had never known people from any other country from my own, and it helped that they were especially good-looking.

I thought I had discovered jackpot.

And then I got deeper. Drawn into this whirlpool of ecstasy, hoping to catch that bag of gold at the bottom of it. I began spending more and more time with them, and soon they became one of my top priorities. I was introduced to all those I had admired from afar for a long time and we became fast friends. My confidence had never been stronger; I was on a first-name basis with the ones everyone else at college wanted to meet.

Which now brings me to my biggest mistake of all.

He is my biggest regret. And I hope I never have to regret anything bigger than this in the future. It was that one day I had seen him sitting down all by himself, waiting for someone to talk to him - that led me onto one of the scariest roller coasters of my entire life. Why? Because sometime during this ride, I had morphed into something I did recognise. A monster. A complete beast. Someone, that if I had seen in others, would have been utterly disgusted by.

I was waiting, I was wanting. All the drugs in the world could not measure up to the addiction I was suffering. It was a nightmare I could not wake up from.

It's like those movies, where everyone is having so much fun at a party - free-flowing drugs and booze - and at one point, the crowd sort of separates into couples (some of three or four even) and clothes begin flying everywhere. And caught in this mess is this young girl who suddenly finds herself amidst the chaos (and through the crack and vodka) and realises the shit that is going on. She grabs her clothes and hides in a corner, watching drunken creatures dance in a motion of pure insanity.

I was that girl. Except fully-clothed and clean of vices.

Literally, I was swept deep into a mess. A mess of emotions, a chaos of lies, and worst of all - a blur between right and wrong. I knew he was bad, and yet I wanted him. I knew it would violate my principles, and yet it seemed fine. And I knew it would destroy me, and yet it was so right.

Until finally, I quit. I left everything behind. The 'friends', the stories, and the lies. I wanted to change. Return to my normal self and to the life I knew how to live. No longer did I have think about him every second of the time, no longer did I have to count the days we had not spoken, no longer did I have to make sure I saw him again, no longer did I spend time sieving through what was right and wrong; which were lies and which were truths.

I was free.

And so, what is the use of this post, I hear you scream out in frustration? I'm basically telling myself what I have learnt from my experiences, and what I shall carry with me in my heart to the next year.

I have learnt that ... no guy is worth sacrificing your well-being for. It's usually the ones who appear like angels, who are hell-sent. Also, no friend would lie through their teeth to you, to obtain some sort of advantage over you. Neither will they let you dart through danger just for their fun. Don't trust boys in gangs - especially the ones which are ethnically-based. They tend to join forces and hurt you, eventhough they appear to hate each other in front of you. And they don't really 'look' kind; they're just mentally-undressing you.

Finally, the ones who you can call friends, are the ones who are waiting for you right where you left them, eventhough they 'told you so'.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Happy New Year.

And here's to the start of another new adventure.

Cheers.

-No comment-

Another Depressing Post. Turn Away.

I am breaking.

Yeah well, aren't I always? I mean - is there one post where I am NOT talking about the pressures and the pains of living my life? Again, I apologise to the readers who would rather peruse through picture blogs about who I made out with and what I ate - before and after pictures.

So let's get started then. My sombreness is fading into the deep pit at the back of my head - and I need to leave a bit of it on this blog before it seeps in too much.

The other night I cried. I don't usually cry for reasons other than family (I'm quite emotional when it comes to them) but this time it was something that may not even cross your mind. Something that you may take for granted and not regard as an excuse to shed tears over. But throughout the whole weekend, my brain literally sizzled with fear. I had tossed all my books on the floor because :

One, the words on them seemed to swirl in my head and launch itself out the same way it went in.

Two, well ... rather than tearing my scalp out.

And now, why? Because I am completely, infinitely, ultimately, and supremely worried.

About my future.

And I don't mean what will I be when I grow up sort - of future ... I mean the near future, as in how will I do in the coming year future. And I am so convinced that I am going to fail something vicious, and consequently my whole life will be ruined. No good grades, no further education, no job, no emigrating ...

NO LIFE.

There. I have come to the conclusion that my whole life ahead of me relies on my grades. It also helps that nothing so far has given me the confidence or any aorta of hope that there is some chance I might succeed. I am trying my hardest (I think) to prepare myself for a sweet success, but somehow while I am memorising these useless lines sprawled on the open page - mind totally absent - I realise that I might need a miracle to get me through this.

Is this just a phase I'm going through? Perhaps just the stress of these past weeks bearing down on me, conjuring up vivid hallucinations to make me feel just a little worse? Or maybe it's my usual paranoia in overdrive?

I have no idea.

But I do know one thing. I am worried beyond my wits. I am so worried that I force myself to sleep off the stress, just so the pains from it will go away. I am so worried that my mind translates everything I read into 'Failure.'

I am so worried that I give the word 'stress' a new meaning. Perpetual eyebags and body aches - HAH. Try this drug I'm on.

So, is this what you want, Fates? Is this what you want to hear from every cell in my aching throat? Is this what you want to see from every tear I shed to make the pain disappear for just a little while? Is this what you want me to feel from every pore of my skin, screaming for this insanity to end?

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, FATES??

IS IT?

Is this the only way I can show you how much I want to succeed ...

-No comment-

*All those reading this post with a mouth full of insults and a mind full of skepticism, please turn away. I have no reason for you to tell me what will happen, neither have I a heart ready to hear you curse me for my ingratitude.

We're Redefining Friendships.

It's worth a thought.

Recent events have made me realise something. I need to completely redefine and revalue what I expect, what I want, and what I need from a friendship. It's not enough to think that everything is well and good, or that one's too convenient to drop. A word of warning : This is going to be one of those draggy and philosophical type of posts, so switch screens before it's too late.

Here goes.

I've had a pretty emotional past, as you guys know by now. I've won some, I've lost some, I've dropped some and I've picked some. And others, I didn't even know why they were there. Yes, I think it's safe to say it's been pretty much a roller coaster ride regarding friendships. But I'm not eight anymore. I can't deal with backstabbers by Niagara Falls anymore, I can't seek revenge with obscene slurs, and neither can I laugh at them when they happen to trip over themselves in public. We're growing up, maturing, evolving - and so should my priorities.

I need to know now what I expect from a friend. Previously, trust had been such an important aspect of being a friend to me. If they betrayed me with the snap of a finger, then I'd drop them. But at this point, I am moving on. I no longer need someone to maintain the confidentiality of my secrets because it really doesn't matter if anyone hears of them. They're not important anyway. And I'm learning to keep things to myself (yes, I have trust issue with myself as well.)

And is it important that friends keep to deadlines and meetings? They can bail out and cancel as often as they want, and I don't think it should mean very much to me. After all, I'm bound to make and break appointments if I need to.

Do my friends need to keep in touch? Well, it's quite important that they do, but after all, they come and go. If they feel the need to know what's been happening with me, they would. Otherwise, I have to make the decision to let them go.

Do my friends need to overlook the bad and embrace the good? No, not really. There's only so much one can tolerate.

Do my friends need to trust me? Hey, I'm not perfect. There might be times that I might have to betray them, for some reason or other. Although I really could not bring myself to doing so, because I have been the victim of this whole game in the first place.

Do I need to trust my friends? Well ... that all depends on the individual. Has that person ever breached the level of confidentiality that I need?

And I have just realised something.

All I need is someone who is there for me when I feel like exploding. Someone who is there for me to listen to every mindless blurt I may have, at any hour. Someone who understands me inside and out and who doesn't need me to make allowances for things they can't handle. Someone who knows exactly when to be immature and when to be serious. Someone who never really gets anyone else's sarcasm but mine. Someone I can rely on to be there when and where we've agreed. Someone who knows exactly what I'll do or say next. Someone who can take my criticism, and give it right back, knowing that I understand completely. Someone who doesn't mind the way I am, and would hate if I changed.

Someone I'll remember forever.

I am looking for someone that doesn't exist. There is no such thing as a perfect friend. There is no one out there who fits the requirements as stated above. I can only hang on to the ones I have right now, and learn to trust them a little bit.

It's time I let out the past, and let my friends in.

-No comment-

*However, I am not letting out my past entirely. I'm sure I'm going to remember it for a long while and in no way is this going to make me any less capable of make and maintaining friendships in the future. I'd rather keep in mind the possibilities, than to have it all happen to me again and again and again. People are not going to walk over me.

And in no way is this a grudge. A grudge is when you keep it in mind to plan revenge in the future. I don't see the point of revenge; it's just bad energy. But I do see the point of foreseeing the future, and wanting out before it goes too far.