Not That I Want To.

But fuck you.

First,

What the fuck does OM NOM NOM mean?

It doesn't sound like mastication or swallowing, and when you say it, it sounds like you're mashing your food with your palate.

Second,

Don't talk to me when I'm angry. Because seriously, think about it. Would you talk to someone just as they want to pull out their hair? No. Because they will either ignore you, or pull yours instead. And it's funny that people haven't yet realised I have a very short fuse.

Third,

I hope you guys aren't sex-mad bitches. Because there is only room for one in my town.

Fourth,

Pri still hasn't told me things. Secrets are dangerous, sweetheart.

Fifth,

My ancestors were Jewish. This now proves my genetic relation to Fran Fine.

Sixth,

If the fuckers make me run back and forth the whole of next week fixing things, I will break someone's neck. Because I don't have time OR the money to do what I'm supposed to do over and fucking over again. And you don't give me what I want, I am seriously fucked.

Seventh,

I have not used 'fuck' in a long time. This relapse feels so good.

And eighth,

I had a chance to get this today, but some things came up and I fucking missed my chance. And I have a feeling that when I actually do get the chance, someone else would have been in the right mind to buy it as soon as they saw it.

The most fitting skirt I have ever slipped into.

Cheers.

I'll Escape.

Without you.

A quick note about the previous post. It was completely true, although I am not at all willing to explain what exactly I was talking about. The funny bits were meant to be funny, but the rest of it is completely valid.

Go figure.

This post is about ... everything. Mind you : the current soundtrack is Jack's Mannequin, so you can imagine just how I am feeling. I'm dreaming about alot of things, and hoping for most of them to be realised soon. I'm aspiring things for myself, aspiring things for my future. And pondering on the past.

What name did I make for myself?

What am I leaving behind here?

Who am I bidding goodbye to?

And I never actually realised this until recently.

I am starting a whole new chapter of my life.

I am leaving everything, and everyone behind me. The memories I learnt my lessons from shall soon be buried in the sands of time. The people I made the memories with will sit on top of them, waiting for their own new chapters to reveal themselves.

And quite frankly, I question just how upset all this makes me. Am I really heartbroken that I am leaving people behind? People who care about me? People who would give alot for me to stay behind and continue to write history with them?

Yes and no.

Yes, because I am supposed to feel it. So I psych myself into sadness, hoping to fool others about this mask I have on that's hiding what I really feel.

And no, because I am leaving everything behind. Including the horrible things that I do not wish to take with me. And alot of people are going to get hurt by this, but I mean - how truly selfless can we be in this world? In the end, we only do things for ourselves.

Altruism is foolish, and selflessness does not exist.

And I need to move on without worrying who is trying to pull me back.

But there are people who I can't bear to walk off without. My family doesn't count in this at all, because where they are, I shall be. And then, there are those people I still feel for. The people who, no matter how far away I have been from them, still remember me as I am. The people who make me reminisce, just by looking right at them. The people I need no mask for.

The ones I will remember for a very long time.

And the rest, remind me of things I could have achieved. The things I could be if it weren't for my own obstinance. Those who remind me of my failures.

It's true, amidst my glorious successes I only remember my failures. And therefore I can't be forced to think about them.

But all this makes no difference right now. I am still here. Things are stalling, and have made no indication of speeding up. Until everything finally moves quickly in my favour, I will continue churning out posts such as these.

Whiling my time away.

Cheers.

Dreaming Of You, Drague.

I dedicate this post to Drague.

My lifeline. You showed me how to love. You showed me that I can be loved. And you make me smile.

Drague. The first time I saw you, you had a girlfriend. And you two were so affectionate with each other. And yet I knew that everytime our eyes met, you would look at me with a totally different emotion I had never seen come from you.

And you dumped her for me.

She threw her shoe at you and called me a bitch.

I smiled at her and we proceeded to make out in front of her.

And then she became a lesbian.

But all that doesn't matter anymore.

What matters is that I love you, Drague. And you love me to. And you would give up your life to be with me. But what is it about you that draws me in so? You're ambitious, a man of power. You know what you want and you take it.

And you're blonde and Swedish.

I'm so glad you're perfect. My Swedish Drague.

Cheers to our love, baby.

Tupac Robot Club Rock.

Reminds me of MTV and Andy Samberg.

I would like to start off this post by telling you that I heard Cobra's GGGB blasting from a very very seedy store owned by South Asians, in an equally seedy mall in the middle of the city centre.

The level of mainstream-ness makes me want to reach for a bucket and express my emotions.

Moving on. I am in a terrible state of mind right now. The kind where I should be thinking one thing but can't help but think otherwise, which makes me feel angry and think about other things and in turn I think of why I insist on thinking of so many things in one go.

Basically, mental diarrhoea.

First of all before I curse my brains off and whine and wonder about what I'm doing here, I want to thank the higher powers and the Fates for what they have blessed me with. I know that part of it was due to me working my ass off into depression, but I can't ignore that the powers had something to do with it. My luck could have been bad, but it wasn't. I achieved more than I expected and more than my future expected, and I honestly have to thank everyone who had a part in it.

So thanks.

And also for the fact that the past 10 days have been so special. I love the fact that out of nowhere a holiday appeared. I love the fact that it was so unexpected, and yet felt totally normal when it happened. And right now I realise where my love really lies, and the people I should truly give all my love to. Knocking on wood right now.

So thanks.

And also that those two gifts have been brought together. I have a chance to continue this holiday of mine because of the first gift that I have been blessed with. Without either, this plan wouldn't have worked or made me as excited for the future.

So thanks.

Right now, I'm worrying myself for nothing. Perhaps even just for the sake of worrying. I am currently at a very stagnant position now which has left me overwhelmed with anticipation with still having my hands bounds with no way to help speed up the process. I guess I just keep thinking of what waits for me in the near future and how I am so close to it, and yet I am not moving anywhere.

But hopefully that's just worries. Hopefully.

I shall now finish this post by telling everyone that I am queen. Those flat boots ala Peter Pan in my previous post? Totally saw them in the new arrival batch in Zara.

Jokes man.

Cheers.

She's Dancing In The Stars.

Living in the sky with diamonds.

I've just heard the brand new album Hot Mess - and it's Fabtastic. Ignore any qualms I had previously of this album because :

1. It has the sparkle of the first album, and the spice of the second.

2. It's Cobra Starship.

Speaking of the first point, they've gone back to their alternative rock roots of While The City Sleeps, We Rule The Streets. It sounds so space-age, and they've taken it back to what made me fall in love with the Cobras in the first place.

I even remember it all starting with Hollaback Boy, and It's Warmer In The Basement.

I'm so glad they've added a little more synth and keytar, because it's simply my perfect album now. They even have Ryland's guitar solos now! The track list is as follows :

1. Nice Guys Finish Last

2. Pete Wentz Is The Only Reason We’re Famous

3. Good Girls Go Bad (featuring Leighton Meester)

4. Fold Your Hands Child

5. You’re Not In On the Joke

6. Hot Mess

7. Living In The Sky With Diamonds

8. Wet Hot American Summer

9. The Scene Is Dead; Long Live The Scene

10. Move Like You Gonna Die

11. The World Will Never Do (featuring B.o.B)

Nice guys do finish last, Gabe.

So skip the race and join me?

Cheers.

Contain Me.

If you could.


There is an ongoing battle in my mind. It literally never quits thinking. It's grateful, but it's paranoid. It's wishful, but it's afraid. It's dreaming, and then it stops.


Because it just can't decide. Both sides have such good points, that they both constantly seem better than the other. And in the end, it leaves me so spun around with thoughts that I can't wait for the truth to reveal itself.


It is at this point that I am sure none of you know what I am talking about.


And if you do -

How nice of you to join me in this insanity.

It's as if, I don't want to hope too much, because if I want something so bad I'm not going to get it. And then again, somedays, I have to hope for something so much just so it comes true - and it does.


And it just repeats every single day. I sort of see a pattern in this fate game, where the rules change for each new day. So every morning I wake up and I have to try and see whether the day had turned out to my expectations, and I use the turnout to see how to wish for things for the rest of the day. But the thing is, it's morning. But that doesn't matter to my psychotic mind. Even the time I wake up can be a huge clue.


And this whole thing just continues all day long.


I have two really huge things I'm counting on right now, one of them being way bigger than the other, while both of them are still pretty big deals to me.


The two things are : Blah and Blah.

Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh you will never know.

Okay sorry. The rules just don't allow me to today. And perhaps, never.


I know that this thing I have in my head is most probably shortening my life span as we speak and makes me a major candidate for intense psychotherapy, but I can't help it. I think I'm on this quest for the key to life, and I am just not ready to end the pursuit even if it could kill me.


So right now, I just have to keep thinking. Because if I need anything to come true, it's both of those things.


BOTH of them.


Cheers.

Paranoia and Waiting.

The best couple in history.

I've got a couple of things on my mind, including my impending potential doom and something that could give me a little solace from it. And the best part is, I am not sure of either.

It could either be the best of times, or the worst of times.

No Charles Dickens here, people.

Anyway, I ain't here to bore you bitches and I've got something else to talk about.

MEANWHILE.

My new obsession is : Fringe.

It all started on this one fine day after a pasta lunch where I decided to annoy a few people and wander off into this store with half-off discounts.

Seriously, I am turning into Fran Fine.

Eh-heeeeeeeeh.

Back to fringe.

I never liked fringe to begin with. I always that it was weird and boring and completely unflattering. But I found this. And instantly I was transported to a land far far west, inhabited by Native Americans, where they danced and sang and loved and lived - in fringe.

The above picture is my skirt, except black and much MUCH shorter.

Seriously, Fran Fine.

Also,

That big oversized I-don't-know-how-to-wear-this party top.

Ala Lady Gaga.

Oh la la. C'est trop jolie que je ne peux pas parler.

And finally, my prediction for next season's fashion comeback.

The slouchy flat boot.

Really I just made that up because I don't know what you call it. Ala Peter Pan if you will.

To Neverland, boys.

*PS : After careful inspection of the new themes hitting brands like MNG for the new season, I discovered that their new collection is all FringeFringeFringe and Back-To-The-Wild-West, baby. I really hate to say I told you so but ...

we're all going to be bohemian like you.

Hey.

Cheers.